Ten Years Old, Reading In Bed
From a blanket, the boy built a palace
With a flashlight for a chandelier.
Down a rabbit hole, he followed Alice,
Where the cursing and shouting weren't clear.
He lived stories of courage and malice,
While the old man chased bourbon with beer.
Riding with horsemen north out of Dallas:
Thunderous hoofbeats would not let him hear
The plotless rage and whiskey diction
And the chaos always conquered by fiction.
-Book of Counted Sorrows
mondays' still got the blues.
It's bee awhile since I woke up in the afternoon on a Monday without silently cursing myself for wasting my time. I still might be wasting my time, but at least I'm not cursing myself for it, though this sentence might be slightly redundant because there wasn't anything pointing to me not wasting my time. Therefore in writing the previous sentence, I have wasted my time and most probably the time of anyone else who reads this, which isn't many, therefore not much time is wasted. The thing is, while aimlessness might be fun for awhile, it doesn't get income. So I'm going to look for a job tomorrow. It might be a Monday with no deadline breathing down the back of my neck, but it's really not that much more fun.
justin.
so. it has finally come to this huh?
If you asked me right now, how do I feel, I would answer you. However, I'm not very sure how I would answer you, or what answer I would give. Most likely, I'd tell you it was relief. Not joy or elation or other random synonyms of the word happiness. It's closer to "Ah finally that 100kg iron ball is unhooked from my scrotum..." than "YESS!!! I'VE STRUCK THE LOTTERY!!"
I also wonder who will even bother to shout that out. If I struck the lottery I'd be a jabbering pile of uncontrollable jerks and spittle and random noises, unable to string a few intelligible words together. Which is altogether different from my controlled and sane self now. And anyway, the lottery prize money would hardly make anyone rich. Just better off. So to behave like what I would behave like would be rather unbecoming.
That small step between military and civilian life has just become that much smaller. But I'm still going to tread carefully.
justin.
for the rec _ _ _ .
It's 2pm on Thursday now, which weather wise, is a suitable time to be writing.unsuitable comments. It's also exactly 7 days, which amounts to infinite days, to the day when freedom is returned to me. The question is, what kind?
Currently, this preparatory institution for the outside world(which actually doesn't make sense because the inside world probably is the little known world of your mind, therefore the institution counts as the outside world as well, but for conveniences sake...) could be likened to a safari. The wild animals that roam within are not really wild. Their wildness is confined within a cage, which no matter has a perimeter of how many miles, is still essentially a cage. The laws of nature by and large govern the place, but when it sometimes gets unsavoury, there are park rangers to ensure that order is fairly restored. Similar to the world outside the enclosure, there are predators and prey, different groups of animals fighting for control and power of the enclosure, which they sometimes might not realise exists. One could be likened to a visitor of the safari, there for a 2 year visit. During the 2 years, you might have close encounters with some animals, but the effect is by and large kept within the confines of the enclosure, under the rangers' supervision.
Yet one should not underestimate the enclosure. For some who enter, do not return. Essentially, a jungle shrunken in size, is still a jungle, and one must take care.
Once(or before) the 2 years are up, most choose to leave the enclosure, thinking they are ready for the boundless world beyond the fences. Some choose to stay within the relative safety of the enclosure. The world out there is unfamiliar and one is inexperienced. Out there, forces of nature govern the environment, and moderation is largely unpractised. Where the lions might be stopped from consuming you as a tidbit in the enclosure via a well timed tranquiliser dart from the ranger, there is nothing to stop it from having a little snack outside. Unless one is in luck and the lion suffers from a massive heart attack while leaping at him, in which then he escapes, but remains easy prey for other lions. Lions and other predators pose a huge danger, but the biggest danger is ignorance. Ignorance of the existence of things that can pose a danger. As such, one is but a defenceless target, until over time, experience is gained and one adapts.
With the freedom that comes with the removal of a cage, comes also the freedom to be killed. The cage might have kept one in, but it also keeps certain things out. When one escapes from the boundaries of the enclosure, he is bound by the shackles of natural order.
Yet if I were to make a choice, I'd head out of the enclosure with no regrets of my choice. I'd tell stories of my time in the enclosure, but when the time comes, I will think that jungle exploration is no fun. I'd rather be sitting at the laptop making ridiculous analogies.
justin.
change for the batter.
30 cents
Reflections on a vase. (Get Fuzzy)
I'm no humour analyst, but the above makes use of the literal term of the word so well. Now that's real humour.
looking back on the things i've done.
I've just been reading my own blog archives(quality control) and I realised that in the past year, almost all my blog entries were as nasty as a steaming plate of excrement. I realise that I do keep the blog for my own ideas, but that idealism was marred by many entries I made due to some issues I was unhappy about. It became more like the city dump than a fertile breeding ground for ideas. Though the blog is mostly for my own use, I myself enjoy a good and funny and entirely easy to read entry, then a thinly veilled curse at something that, once you look back at it, is nothing. As such, I'll try to post entries that I will enjoy reading again and not some worthless, gutless piece of junk writing. I'll read more to allow my brain to start warming up again.
And then I realise that in typing the above, I've just created another piece of junk. How?
justin.
the rise and demise of society.
In the past, people gathered to form groups. They found strength in numbers. They could help one another achieve each others aims. Everyone was happy and thus the foundations of a society was laid.
The society grew as technology grew. The society became more powerful. It grew at an astounding rate. People were able to lay their hands on more things. The society's affluence was at its peak.
But people didn't need each other anymore. They could now achieve their aims with less or no help from other people. Individual units in the society became isolated, leaving gaps in between. The structure of society, with the hollows and cracks, turned brittle.
One day, when each and every person places self above other, the structure of society will crumble under the weight of relentless fight for personal gain. That day might not be far away.
all fuckers.
I don't know what is more fucked up. Having a cough that keeps you up all night, or having someone ignore that fact and making you continue to do guard duty? I must be discreet for this is a matter of the workplace. Having a fucked up superior really makes life difficult. And the worst thing about this job is that you can't quit. However, in light of such a situation, where everyone involved is pulling an extreme stunt, I can't help but pity the failure of a system our country is so proud of. I think however, something must be done, because what I'm doing is technically not allowed. Someones career is on the line.
justin.
being sick makes me sick.
At this point in time, as I'm typing this, I feel like I've swallowed a pill made of sandpaper. Halfway. So I'm coughing and choking and trying to get it out, and all the time it's just scraping against my throat, going neither up nor down. And while coughing, lumps of smelly green goo defy gravity and travel up the windpipe and into my mouth. Then I spit it out. Which is how I know that stuff is green. There's one word for this whole experience. Nasty.
I may have said this before, and I'll say it again. I need a vacuum cleaner to suck up all this phlegm inside my throat. Of course, since this is not year 4550, I don't think it has been invented yet, so I'll just wait(Actually I'm just exaggerating. Hospitals are probably already using such apparatus. It just hasn't been made easily available to the untrained common folk.).
Since I can't think of any smart alec comments, I shall end in a coughing fit.
justin.
can't think of a title that's quite smart and related to what i'm about to post so i'll settle for one that's long and pointless.
After many dreary months of lounging around in office chairs, prancing about the workplace with something to do but doing everything else instead, killing people you don't like(in your head) with the sharpest object(your mind), accumulation of weeks of toilet breaks, tea breaks and finger breaks(for me only), the last year of the first decade of the 2000s(I refuse to call it the noughties. It's retarded and reflects on ones lack of common sense.) has passed. Real quick wasn't it?
Today, being the first day of a new year(and decade), is usually about the time people start to take action to fulfil their new year resolutions. They usually do it by lazing around in the house, channel surfing to see which New Year's special looks better on TV, surfing the internet, sleeping or blogging. I forgot to make a new year resolution this year, partly because life in the workplace is pretty much an aimless one. It's one where people go through the motions(sometimes those that you pass out) and ultimately, reach their final destination. The one aim of entering that specific workplace is to ultimately get the fuck out of that cesspit, no matter how much fun you've had inside. I'm so much closer, yet so far away.
Vietnam, where I went for my recent holiday, was not so far away. Hanoi's airport is 3hours away, but due to timezone differences, 2 hours there, 4 hours back. My sister's mobile phone and ipod nano therefore, are not only miles away, but also a timezone away. Meaning she's never getting it back. But I digress. The holiday was pretty alright, but the main place of our trip, Hanoi, felt more like a stopover that was the spectacular mountain views of Sapa and the magnificent limestone formations in the middle of a water body that is Halong Bay. The scenery was pretty much breathtaking in a different way to Korea, where the breathtaking scenery is usually found walking along the road in a miniskirt.
The weather was good to us as well, raining only on the last day when we had to go to the airport. Even by then, the rain had already stopped, so there were no wet dongs all over. Speaking of rain, we did have rain in Lao Cai, where Sapa was. It came in the form of the local guide, who looked like he was a stunt double in Ninja Assassin, except that he was short, had a belly and didn't speak English. And he only looked like Rain to me. Everyone else thought that I was a blabbering idiot with a severe mental disorder. Which admittedly might be true sometimes. That's why I forgot to make my new year resolutions.
justin.
