assholes.
Asshole, meaning anus, is usually distributed as such. One asshole per person. Today, the distribution is about to change, because HS318 is going to tear me a new one. There's actually no reason for me to be feeling all restless and jumpy. After all I had 4-5 days to prepare for this paper... oh right. I wasn't preparing.
justin.
wouldn't it be nice.
Honestly, at a time like this, I can't explain why I am not taking constructive action to study for my back to back papers, of which I (for the most part) have no clue about. Or maybe I can. Let me put forth my hypothesis. Nothing, and nothing, beats the feeling of goofing off. By goofing off I mean purposefully not doing anything constructive with your time, when there is obviously work to be done. Not doing anything when there is nothing to be done is not even a fraction of the fun. It might be the inner rebel, the lazy bones, or just a lethal combination of both. If I'm working hard to get a good degree to earn loads of money just so I can relax, I might as well relax now. Or get back to work, because I'm just being stupid.
justin.
few thoughts.
There are literally very few thoughts in my head now. Some are about studying. Mostly rationalising why I'm not actually poring through my notes instead of doing other stuff. And some worrying about finding a cure for the surprising lack of urgency. I really wonder if I've gotten numb to exam stress. Or have I been like this all the time?
justin.
oh dear.
It's 5 days to my first paper, and I'm not even feeling the pinch. Yet. How?
justin.
a week on. (oh won't you please take me home)
It's been a day and a bit since I submitted my last 3000 word term paper (I had one weeks extension since the last time I was moaning about it). That week, though seemingly rather helpful, and very very kind on the the professors part, has meant fuck all to me, since I left it to the (second) last possible day to actually get started on it. By getting started I mean actually starting to type it in, rather than just making up what I'm going to write about when I'm talking to my friends about it. I actually do that a lot more. So, after submitting it, it felt like a heavy load was finally off my shoulders. Except it wasn't. Because time is magic, and lo and behold, the finals are coming up next Saturday, and I'm already jaded and burnt out, in no small part due to my lack of motivation and foresight to finish my essays early. GPA is already not looking optimistic this semester, and I'm preparing to wave my 4.xx (x=0 for now) goodbye.
So anyway, now that exams are in a little more than a weeks time, I feel overcome with the urge to get my fat lazy arse home, sit it down on a chair, and play a little(maybe 24hours?) FIFA12, because, West Ham United, under my capable leadership, are in the EPL (languishing in mid-table, but still). I'm getting so bored of what I have to do (study) because it seems like I've just finished my load of assignments, that I feel like I deserve a little break (of about 8 months), therefore, have become supremely unmotivated to continue with studying for the most important (academic only, because there are other things much more important, like Kenneth, Darren, Ashley and perhaps some others coming back to Singapore and we can go to Bintan for Pukefest 2011 and... sorry I get distracted easily) event of these past 6 or so months. So now I'm just whining here about how little I want to study and all that shit, because I'd rather complain about studying, than actually studying. I want to say fuck my life, but there are worse things happening out there (though I don't know what. Just worse than me), so nope. I'll move on.
To how I wish I had haki, or a Devil Fruit, or mutant powers. That would be pretty awesome wouldn't it?
justin.
Note to self: I'm on a roll baby. Not posted as much as I've done these few weeks. And I have an overwhelming urge to play FIFA12. FUCK!
misery. to a certain extent. some shallow, badly thought out philosophical musings.
One thing I learnt about storms is that it never rains, but it pours. It's the same for shit storms apparently. In class(canteen, which might be the class for pseudo philosophical life lessons), I saw my results for 217. A second D+, which got me from smiling in ignorance to wallowing in despair(sort of) and self-pity, which I already know are actually pretty useless emotions to possess. The brighter side is that it only counts for 10%, though that's not really any consolation to the lowering in morale the grade gives you. But at this point in time, the useless emotions were still in check.
What really got me thinking(and left me feeling that life is that much bleaker), is the sudden realisation of how much I've grown up(read: became stupid). I used to talk about freedom, and fighting for ones hopes and dreams. Now, they've grown so constricted to just getting good grades. I realised my reaction of self-proclaimed despair and self pity was rather unbecoming of someone who used to celebrate Es because it meant I didn't totally screw up. Now even B-es seems like Fs.
Grades are like shackles that restrict your lateral movement, plodding along the straight path to attaining "success"(may I also put forth the proposition that one is totally unclothed, exposing whatever bodily orifice that COULD be entered into, thus leaving one extremely vulnerable). And one needs good grades to move forward. The alternative is staying where you are and getting fucked in the behind by the next person in line, fighting for good grades to move forward towards the same "success".
AND if everyone gets the same good grade, then it's just nothing exceptional. Which leaves me wondering what we are fighting for anyway. Have we all become so caught up in this rat race, which I was consciously trying to avoid for most of my life? Probably we have. And I joined in too late, which leaves me rather behind, especially in terms of mentality.
So, the alternative is of course, not caring about grades, and living life to the fullest, which is subjective anyway. Because without grades(assuming you're either not a genius who doesn't like to do well nor very rich), how can one live life to the fullest? There are too many restrictions to this conceptual freedom that the younger me has been chasing. That is, besides my obesity, cowardice and sloth(which I believe is just undiagnosed hyperinactive disorder).
There is the need to actually find work to earn money, which is another shackle Capitalism put on mankind, to gain material needs and wants. And to do that, one needs good grades and other stuff I'm not good at(or am too fat, lazy and cowardly to try to be good at). Even the fucking temp job with good money rejected me probably because of the way I dress(or fail to dress). This seems very much like labeling me as deviant, and while I do accept that, I don't accept turning me away from an easy job which earns me a large sum of money.
Of course, in spite of how despairingly bleak my future looks(to me) at the moment, I can always look at people with poorer material life, and yet live contentedly. Like the people who I am going to visit soon in Pong Song village. However, whatever they give up in material needs and wants, they also give up having to hand in essays weekly, competing with other people and seeing the worse side of human beings.
I understand that it may seem very shallow(yeah I'm a shallow person, so what?), and that many people will be willing to trade places with me. But freedom is expensive, and probably can only be achieved with lots of sacrifice. Including the freedom to starve. When all is said and done, and material needs and wants are given up for moral/psychological/mental freedom. Which brings us to the question. Is it worth it?
It isn't to me(I'm not brave enough, I like my food, I don't like to move), so at this point in time, I'm living my freedom through One Piece, where the pirates roam the seas wild and free, having one adventure after another. One might tell me that anime is a waste of time, and I could be using this time to study and get better grades. But it isn't. I'm using it to achieve the (somewhat pseudo) freedom I know hard work can never get me(because I'm too lazy and disenchanted to work hard. So probably I don't get hard work as well).
Which actually reminds me. I have assignments to complete. Back to the shackles.
justin.
