Tuesday, August 26, 2014

no shelter can be found.

work is not a shelter from home and home is not a shelter from work.

still got the blues.

And it's fucking Tuesday already. A thought came to my head, that sometimes maybe people enjoy work because it lets them spend time away from their family, which is not always laughter and rainbows because for all the benefits you get from a family, they come with a tonne of bullshit that's not always easy to take. So essentially now I'm in a fucking prison, is working with my family, because I have to come under close scrutiny, and am expected to learn faster than anyone (not that there's anyone to make a comparison to), and work under conflicting instructions, and expect to choose the right one 100% of the time (which is impossible, because both sets think they're right). Even a fucking programme would show you an error code and ask you kindly fuck yourself rectify your mistake before even proceeding to do what it's instructed to. So back to the topic, there is no escape. And my family, in particular, is the extreme version of the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" type. Ergo, I'd love them more if I didn't have to spend so much time with them. Living alone seems so much more tempting.

On another tangent, it seems that once I've started work, all I do is rant about work, or meet my friends and talk about work and hall. It seems like I've lost the ability to think of random, meaningless, mundane bullshit that makes creative writing so much fun. Work sucks. Literally, it sucks all the fucking life and creativity out of me. And I have to find a way to get it back. I want to think of absurd fucking bullshit that doesn't make sense, not how to fucking type an excel sheet just the way you want it, and know your exact preferences. And I'm just fucking skiving at the moment because I still have to undo all the work I've done the past month, through no fucking fault of my own. Well done me.

justin.

Monday, August 25, 2014

push/pull.

Typical. Just a typical Monday morning. I sit crouched over the laptop in a tiny office, pretending to do work that I'm not particularly interested in (It's the money. We all need money.) while the rain pisses outside. The office doesn't actually have a window, but it was pissing when I arrived. This day was turning out to be just the way I envisioned it (and all Mondays excluding holidays). Grey. Grey should be the official Monday colour. I want to leave this place so much, but I can't. Because money. It shouldn't matter but it does. Something is pushing me away. Don't get me wrong. It's a nice place to live, where I am, but looking back at it from a distance makes it a nicer place.

I take a holiday with my mind. I think of all the places I have been, and all the places I would like to be, and take in the sights with my mind's eye. Travelling, it seems, is like a force, pulling me towards the next destination, sometimes to paths I have taken before. The desire to be free, is like a gun pointed to my head, forcing me to want to be free. I have to work hard to be free, however temporarily. And there, reality forces it's way into my thoughts like a rude aunty forcing her way into the crowded MRT carriage. I have to work hard to earn what I need to be free. Work hard to be free. Work makes you free.

justin.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

random rants and smiles.

Looking back at the graduation pictures, it's kind of hard to imagine it was just a week or so ago, that I was smiling so much and so widely. I guess you could say that a smile is something that happens to your face naturally when you're happy, and how amazing it is that work can wipe that smile off your face within a week. I won't say that it's shit, but if this is what's going to be happening for the foreseeable future, I think I can safely say that I'm not going to like my line of work very much. Of course, I could look at it as a challenge to better myself, but at the end of the day, it would be the best if I could put my language skills to use. Money is not everything, but it is a lot of things, and we don't live in Disneyland (which according to cracked.com is pretty fucked up so maybe we DO live in Disneyland) so I guess that closes a lot of doors. I just hope I don't lose myself.

Also on another note, I bought a smiley little badge from the disabled guy at Somerset MRT and I hope I made his day better, because these people selling tissues and god knows what and knick knacks often appear invisible to the masses. It's sad really, and I hope that the little smiley badges he sells can translate into real smiles.

justin.

Friday, August 08, 2014

empathy.

Mostly it's how being in a car robs us of all empathy for a fellow human. Today I was driving along the AYE when suddenly all traffic came to a halt near Clementi Avenue 6 exit. I was on the right lane, and inching forward. At 4pm. Something was clearly afoot. In any case, after about 20-30minutes of inching, I saw a car  with its hazard lights on, broken down on the right lane. And my first thought was "What an asshole. Stopping at the right lane." Before considering the fact that he was probably more exasperated and annoyed than I was, because I didn't have to stand in the middle of the road and wait for a tow truck, or get home even later. I don't even know how a sheet of metal and some glass can do this to a human.

justin.