Today I sold my brother
Into hell, for evermore
Choice there was no other
I’m sad to say, it’s not the last time
I look into your body
Fill you up with enemies
It’s wave, oh, for the next life
I don’t know if I alone want you
Hey kids, gather 'round, it's story time.
Afraid, a little side of it is under spy
Some will eventually go out and die.
I think he really wants to die.
I don’t really want to die
I think he really swallowed
Raise it up to the lord,
If I die tomorrow, try to pull on me
Come to me with nothing
Watch you bleed, forever more
Soon he runs into his time, holding on
Choices on my own tongue
I’m strong enough, such I can deem, of
There is so long here.
It’s not enough for the last time
I look into your body,
Fill you up with enemies,
It’s wave oh for the next life
I don’t know if I alone want you.
Yeah
Saket has some better things to hug you by my time
(Doctor has some better things to occupy my time)*
I went for the study of the evil souls and I wish they replied
Well, I sat down on your stone and I talked with you for a while
And did you think that it was worth it
It’s burnin’ on its’ head
And I won’t believe this even happens here
I won’t rest until you bloody
Sanest, darn this, I can’t get you out of sight
You’re fucking fault
Sick for ya, sign of amaze
Sick for ya, you’ll be numbing for days
For the way, these mother fuckers never fail.
Sick for ya
So, sick for ya
*alternative lyrics because Pinkly Smooth never released their lyrics for any song other than McFly.
The most detailed of plans is but a general guide, because nothing will go according to plan. If everything goes according to plan, then everyone would be fortune tellers.
Sometimes, dreams are full of badassery. Like mine last night, where I got my arm bitten by a shark. Instead of punching the shark or whatever, I was trying to rip the shark off. And my arm turned out unscathed. Unfortunately, any other badassery that was about to happen afterwards was cut short by my being unable to breathe, not because I was underwater, but because I had a nasty blocked nose, thus woke up. Back in reality where badassery is but a dream.
I realise 21 is far too young to be writing a summation of my life up till now, even more so when one has done nothing of any note in the grand scheme of things. You know, someone like me, who's greatest achievement in my 21 odd years was getting first in class in primary 3. Yet, just like any other person, who was a kid, I had my ambitions, which slowly evolved and changed as I grew older and (non the) wiser.
As far as I remember, my first ambition was to be a bus driver. I was a big fan of buses for reasons unknown, and I have some toy buses that remind me of that (a little childish but nonetheless my first) ambition, and of how privileged I am to actually own those toys. I'm not so much a fan of buses nowadays, probably due to the fact that I actually have to ride in them sometimes during busy periods, or them not turning up when I need them. I carried this ambition probably from my first memories until about the age of 7.
At 7, I hoped to wear spectacles because some favourite cartoon character from an insanely cool robot cartoon of which the title I cannot remember was wearing spectacles. I fulfilled this "dream" aged 9, realising sometime in the process that the "spectacles" was actually some cool aiming sight goggles. That was some dream fulfilled and shattered. Like my spectacles not too far in the future.
My next dream was more or less overlapped in my spectacle one, which was to become a cartoonist. I personally felt that I was more or less decent and drawing stuff and created some "storybooks" with animation with my primary school buddies. This carried on for quite some time, each of us taking turns to bring that exercise book home and fill the chapters in. This died down after we more or less lost contact after primary school.
For a period of time, when I just entered secondary school, all I wanted to be was funny. I couldn't remember why or how, but it's probably been a part of me since I was a kid. Putting it logically, from a kids point of view, being funny was probably the equivalent of being happy, and being happy is a good thing, so why not? It's probably stuck with me since then, and up till today, I still try to be funny (at the right times), with moderate success.
Then there was my rebellious phase of life, where I mixed with the "cool" people in school and played bass(pretty much terribly) in a band. I was interested in forming a band, and so got together some people who were also interested. I said I wanted to be a rock star, but it was just talk. To be brutally honest, I thought I was probably too laid back for that sex, drugs, rock n roll fantasy that the other guys seemed to have. I wanted to do music, but being supremely untalented at that, I figured I would just have to make do with listening and making the odd comment. I must mention that our band did win our school talentime, but it had more to do with us being "badass" on stage than actual musical talent. As I progressed through the journey of life, I've seen much better musicians than the arrogant pricks who were on stage that night. The "road to stardom" ended as swiftly and abruptly as it had started, with me being unceremoniously booted for being too lousy a bass player. I should have seen a coming from a mile away, but I didn't and so led to a bit of bad feelings. So I sold my bass, and with it, my dreams of stardom. Now, at 21 plus, I'm thinking of picking up the bass and actually learning how to play again.
Afterwards, I think I began to lack any direction in life. I wanted to do many things, but I didn't have the perseverance or conviction to follow through on anything. Sometimes I wonder why I'm never fit. Last night, a 5-bread sandwich reminded me why. I wanted to enjoy but I didn't want to work for it. Fitness, if it didn't come naturally, wasn't meant to be. And so began a long and hard journey away from a place known as limbo. I don't exactly know how I got there, but it must have began with me thinking Singaporeans are too kiasu and I didn't want to be like them. Just like that, I lost my competitive edge, and I still haven't fully recovered it.
I know that at the end of the road, no matter how hard I work, how much I think I've contributed, what I've been doing probably will mean nothing. Yet if I don't, I'll be letting down the people who've placed their hopes on me(my family) and myself. As Kenneth the Sage said not too long ago, "Be contented with what you have, only if you know that you have given your best." Have I? Far from it. I mentioned about the journey away from limbo. It hasn't ended. Now, my ambition is to break free from it, and it's about time I show some conviction and follow through with it.
After all I've said, I still feel as if this reflection of a small part of my life thus far is exceedingly shallow, as life has been rather kind to me. Looking at the troubles of the world, many people would willingly be in my position and I come across to myself as kind of a whiny person prone to bitch-fits. Up until now, this post has been words, words and words. Perhaps, words, being my best form of expression, is also my biggest problem. It leads to the lack of action. Meaning I believe I should stop typing now.
"One begins to die the moment he is born." - Dean Koontz
So one day I was still half asleep and my mum tells me she's going out. Nothing much about it, so I go back to sleep again, trying to continue my dream which I do not remember about. A period of time (I won't pretend I know how long, I'm trying to sleep right?) later she comes in again and says she's going to Taiwan. I am still half asleep and trying to figure out if it was the same thing slightly different. I say bye and take care and I go back to sleep, having not fully woken up.
Later in the afternoon, when I fully woke up, I decided things weren't quite right. After some asking, I found out my maternal grandfather, just had a stroke and things weren't looking rosy. Now I wouldn't pretend that I was extremely close to him, or that he was my favourite grandparent. He isn't, really. But him being the father of my mother, I'd say I was at least close to him in terms of blood relations. So I thought I'd be able to look at this subject rather objectively.
Earlier this year, a friend of my grandmother passed away. She was 94, which is, quite a ripe old age. Of course, noone would prefer their own friends to die, so naturally, my grandmother was sad, but also accepting, that her friend had passed away peacefully and was a fit old bird until she had passed. At that point in time, I also felt a little sad, as this little old lady was a frequent visitor to our house, and knowing that she'd never come anymore, well that's just a little strange. Then I was worried, about my grandmother, because she's not young anymore, and she's my favourite grandparent. My paternal grandfather passed away long before I was born, so there's less worry for me on that part. But I (selfishly) thought, what would life be, without this old lady I've known and loved for all my life? I couldn't think. Instinctively(and selfishly again), I went to my grandmothers room, woke her up, just to assure myself she was still alive. She was, and I heaved a huge sigh of relief.
Now, for my maternal grandfather, I'm afraid years of being apart and some not too great impressions of him from my family this side of the world has led to a strange distancing and therefore, less of the emotions that one would normally feel. As of today, I haven't yet witnessed the passing of a very close relative, and this grandfather, I'm afraid, could be the first. Which led to another thought.
Most of my friends are celebrating their 21st birthdays this year, like I did (not really) last year. And some of them are seeing grandparents or other relatives pass on. Logically speaking, the age at which people die is around the age the aforementioned relatives are at. So, is this really the time of your life, when you really grow up, and seeing someone close to you go, realise that it's time for your generation to step up and take over? Have you noticed how much older your dad looks? Perhaps it's the time of your life, that requires you to actually do something with it, put in the effort and work harder, if not for yourself, then for your family, to show them that you're grown up, or trying to.
