Logicless Logic

misery. to a certain extent. some shallow, badly thought out philosophical musings.

One thing I learnt about storms is that it never rains, but it pours. It's the same for shit storms apparently. In class(canteen, which might be the class for pseudo philosophical life lessons), I saw my results for 217. A second D+, which got me from smiling in ignorance to wallowing in despair(sort of) and self-pity, which I already know are actually pretty useless emotions to possess. The brighter side is that it only counts for 10%, though that's not really any consolation to the lowering in morale the grade gives you. But at this point in time, the useless emotions were still in check.

What really got me thinking(and left me feeling that life is that much bleaker), is the sudden realisation of how much I've grown up(read: became stupid). I used to talk about freedom, and fighting for ones hopes and dreams. Now, they've grown so constricted to just getting good grades. I realised my reaction of self-proclaimed despair and self pity was rather unbecoming of someone who used to celebrate Es because it meant I didn't totally screw up. Now even B-es seems like Fs.

Grades are like shackles that restrict your lateral movement, plodding along the straight path to attaining "success"(may I also put forth the proposition that one is totally unclothed, exposing whatever bodily orifice that COULD be entered into, thus leaving one extremely vulnerable). And one needs good grades to move forward. The alternative is staying where you are and getting fucked in the behind by the next person in line, fighting for good grades to move forward towards the same "success".

AND if everyone gets the same good grade, then it's just nothing exceptional. Which leaves me wondering what we are fighting for anyway. Have we all become so caught up in this rat race, which I was consciously trying to avoid for most of my life? Probably we have. And I joined in too late, which leaves me rather behind, especially in terms of mentality.

So, the alternative is of course, not caring about grades, and living life to the fullest, which is subjective anyway. Because without grades(assuming you're either not a genius who doesn't like to do well nor very rich), how can one live life to the fullest? There are too many restrictions to this conceptual freedom that the younger me has been chasing. That is, besides my obesity, cowardice and sloth(which I believe is just undiagnosed hyperinactive disorder).

There is the need to actually find work to earn money, which is another shackle Capitalism put on mankind, to gain material needs and wants. And to do that, one needs good grades and other stuff I'm not good at(or am too fat, lazy and cowardly to try to be good at). Even the fucking temp job with good money rejected me probably because of the way I dress(or fail to dress). This seems very much like labeling me as deviant, and while I do accept that, I don't accept turning me away from an easy job which earns me a large sum of money.

Of course, in spite of how despairingly bleak my future looks(to me) at the moment, I can always look at people with poorer material life, and yet live contentedly. Like the people who I am going to visit soon in Pong Song village. However, whatever they give up in material needs and wants, they also give up having to hand in essays weekly, competing with other people and seeing the worse side of human beings.

I understand that it may seem very shallow(yeah I'm a shallow person, so what?), and that many people will be willing to trade places with me. But freedom is expensive, and probably can only be achieved with lots of sacrifice. Including the freedom to starve. When all is said and done, and material needs and wants are given up for moral/psychological/mental freedom. Which brings us to the question. Is it worth it?

It isn't to me(I'm not brave enough, I like my food, I don't like to move), so at this point in time, I'm living my freedom through One Piece, where the pirates roam the seas wild and free, having one adventure after another. One might tell me that anime is a waste of time, and I could be using this time to study and get better grades. But it isn't. I'm using it to achieve the (somewhat pseudo) freedom I know hard work can never get me(because I'm too lazy and disenchanted to work hard. So probably I don't get hard work as well).

Which actually reminds me. I have assignments to complete. Back to the shackles.

justin.

posted by justin @ 3:57 PM