Logicless Logic

of hopes, dreams and realisation.

I realise 21 is far too young to be writing a summation of my life up till now, even more so when one has done nothing of any note in the grand scheme of things. You know, someone like me, who's greatest achievement in my 21 odd years was getting first in class in primary 3. Yet, just like any other person, who was a kid, I had my ambitions, which slowly evolved and changed as I grew older and (non the) wiser.

As far as I remember, my first ambition was to be a bus driver. I was a big fan of buses for reasons unknown, and I have some toy buses that remind me of that (a little childish but nonetheless my first) ambition, and of how privileged I am to actually own those toys. I'm not so much a fan of buses nowadays, probably due to the fact that I actually have to ride in them sometimes during busy periods, or them not turning up when I need them. I carried this ambition probably from my first memories until about the age of 7.

At 7, I hoped to wear spectacles because some favourite cartoon character from an insanely cool robot cartoon of which the title I cannot remember was wearing spectacles. I fulfilled this "dream" aged 9, realising sometime in the process that the "spectacles" was actually some cool aiming sight goggles. That was some dream fulfilled and shattered. Like my spectacles not too far in the future.

My next dream was more or less overlapped in my spectacle one, which was to become a cartoonist. I personally felt that I was more or less decent and drawing stuff and created some "storybooks" with animation with my primary school buddies. This carried on for quite some time, each of us taking turns to bring that exercise book home and fill the chapters in. This died down after we more or less lost contact after primary school.

For a period of time, when I just entered secondary school, all I wanted to be was funny. I couldn't remember why or how, but it's probably been a part of me since I was a kid. Putting it logically, from a kids point of view, being funny was probably the equivalent of being happy, and being happy is a good thing, so why not? It's probably stuck with me since then, and up till today, I still try to be funny (at the right times), with moderate success.

Then there was my rebellious phase of life, where I mixed with the "cool" people in school and played bass(pretty much terribly) in a band. I was interested in forming a band, and so got together some people who were also interested. I said I wanted to be a rock star, but it was just talk. To be brutally honest, I thought I was probably too laid back for that sex, drugs, rock n roll fantasy that the other guys seemed to have. I wanted to do music, but being supremely untalented at that, I figured I would just have to make do with listening and making the odd comment. I must mention that our band did win our school talentime, but it had more to do with us being "badass" on stage than actual musical talent. As I progressed through the journey of life, I've seen much better musicians than the arrogant pricks who were on stage that night. The "road to stardom" ended as swiftly and abruptly as it had started, with me being unceremoniously booted for being too lousy a bass player. I should have seen a coming from a mile away, but I didn't and so led to a bit of bad feelings. So I sold my bass, and with it, my dreams of stardom. Now, at 21 plus, I'm thinking of picking up the bass and actually learning how to play again.

Afterwards, I think I began to lack any direction in life. I wanted to do many things, but I didn't have the perseverance or conviction to follow through on anything. Sometimes I wonder why I'm never fit. Last night, a 5-bread sandwich reminded me why. I wanted to enjoy but I didn't want to work for it. Fitness, if it didn't come naturally, wasn't meant to be. And so began a long and hard journey away from a place known as limbo. I don't exactly know how I got there, but it must have began with me thinking Singaporeans are too kiasu and I didn't want to be like them. Just like that, I lost my competitive edge, and I still haven't fully recovered it.

I know that at the end of the road, no matter how hard I work, how much I think I've contributed, what I've been doing probably will mean nothing. Yet if I don't, I'll be letting down the people who've placed their hopes on me(my family) and myself. As Kenneth the Sage said not too long ago, "Be contented with what you have, only if you know that you have given your best." Have I? Far from it. I mentioned about the journey away from limbo. It hasn't ended. Now, my ambition is to break free from it, and it's about time I show some conviction and follow through with it.

After all I've said, I still feel as if this reflection of a small part of my life thus far is exceedingly shallow, as life has been rather kind to me. Looking at the troubles of the world, many people would willingly be in my position and I come across to myself as kind of a whiny person prone to bitch-fits. Up until now, this post has been words, words and words. Perhaps, words, being my best form of expression, is also my biggest problem. It leads to the lack of action. Meaning I believe I should stop typing now.

justin.

posted by justin @ 9:45 AM