Logicless Logic

Two-railed train ; 双轨列车

"Bilingualism is like the two rails on a train track, working hand in hand towards the same goal."
-adapted from something I heard in secondary school


I had this sudden decision to make this post a bilingual one. I had been meaning to do one in mandarin in a bid to rescue it from falling into the endless abyss of mediocrity, but never got down to it. Now would be a good time and a bilingual post would possibly offer a new perspective in my expression.

Choice is something I guess I never had the biggest variety in. In other words, I don't always get what I want. Rejection however, is not always easy to take, especially since I waited so long for it. I had been rejected entry into university, which has dampened my mood a little, since I thought I had done adequately in the interview. But I guess life's not always fine and dandy.

Since young, I've been living on either side of this fine line. A borderline pass or fail. Excellence has never been my forte. I believe I am quite good at talking rubbish but people beat me at that as well. My confidence has taken a slight dip(into the crevice at the ocean floor where even fishes with light bulbs on their heads fear to venture). But this has given me some time to think about my future and what I want to do about it. As of now, I have not been able to come up with a satisfactory answer. I shall let the question linger in my mind a little while more.

My ambitions have been ever changing since I was a boy. I remember clearly wanting to be a double decker bus driver when I was 3. My favourite toys were buses and I thought they were the most awesome transport in the whole world. Then I wanted to do business, wanted to be in a rock band etc. Now, I find myself sorely lacking in ambition. I dream of doing something big, but until I find out what, I am rather like stagnant water, waiting for mosquitoes to breed in me and spread diseases.

I realise that the post has not been very bilingual up until this point. So here goes.

我想，如果现在不用华语， 那可能再也不会找到那股冲动。就像在以上用英语所说的，在我从小到大，我所有的选择不是最好的。 但问题不出在别人，而在自己。不知从什么时候开始，对学业和生活有一种得过且过的态度。 我想当时，应该是认为如果期望不高，失望的机会就越小。 说来也奇怪，那种态度真的让我在生活许多方面比别人容易看开， 不对成绩放下太大的重视。这可能让我在现实的世界上输给了竞争力较大的对手，但看着他们得到自己所要的成绩，却有一幅不太开心的感觉，我便开始想 - 值得吗？

虽然这么说，但被大学拒绝了，心里总会感到有一点失望。可能是人都会这么觉得吧。在心里有那么一点的希望，却没实现，这种感觉实在难以形容。面试时认为自己做得不错，但生活总是有一些曲折，让我们有一些经验，考验，看看我们到底有多坚强。如果人生一帆风顺，我可会不想活了呢！

我的未来在这个时刻，看起来不是很光明。 我也可能就是阿信在《人生海海》里面的主角。 就如他所唱的 “天天都漫无目的， 偏偏就想要证明真理，别人从屁股放屁，我却每天每天都说要革命”
就像现在， 我穿着蝙蝠侠的四角裤，坐在电脑前。四角裤上印的明明是英雄，但穿着他的主人根本不知道是个什么东西。

想着想着，便想到了梦想。想到梦想，就想到以前有用英语写过的 切.戈瓦拉。 他在许多人们的眼里，可说是个风云人物。在他想以共产来团结南美洲，让人们有更好的生活，并往他的目标勇往直前当中，人们可能忘了他为了目标所付出的代价， 和为了目标所作的一些残暴的行为。当我们在追逐自己的梦想时，是否也忘了我们得为梦想所付出的代价。或者，因为想起可能付出的代价而不追逐梦想，就太不值得了。我认为，为了梦想付出一切的感动，才是最值得的。

说了这么多，也不知道朋友们根本会不会花一些心思来看。也许看到文字题，嘴里马上出三字经 -“他妈的！英文写得好好的，干嘛无缘无故用中文写？！” 我就是偏偏要写，让大家看不懂，或看得不耐烦。这篇用了生锈的华语写的篇章，大概唯一的读者就是自己！


So here marks the start of another English paragraph(possibly the last paragraph). As those who have bothered, or can read the Chinese part may have realised, the posts weren't about the same thing. So if you can't or won't bother to read it, I'm sorry but thats the way life is. I'm too bilingual for my own good. =)

justin.

posted by justin @ 9:32 PM