Logicless Logic

die. a rear. constant trepidation.

One of the activities one usually(all the time actually) undertakes in the private is maintaining the cleanliness of one's behind. More specifically, the specific part of the body which is responsible for the last part of the digestive cycle. In the maintenance of the aforementioned body part, there are some situations which are generally more unpleasant to deal with. One has no choice but to carry on with it's cleaning anyway. Or just ignore the problem and leave it be, imagining its cleanliness from a Zen-like state of mind. So there is a choice after all. If you happen to be one of those who chooses the latter, I think what I have to say is something you would not be familiar with. Furthermore, I would like to break all ties with you. But I digress.

When undertaking the task of cleaning your rear end after the conclusion of a business deal, the type of business you have just concluded is very important in the procedures you take to clean up. First of all, you must determine the solidity of the substance you have just exiled from your body. This has a close link with the kind of food you have consumed. It turns out that consumption of fibrous substances which make you lose appetite(vegetables) would add solidity to your excrement(It had to come to a point where I have to be direct), while consumption of laxatives(on purpose, accidentally or via the appointment as an unsuspecting victim of a cruel prank) would add a certain liquid quality to it. Of course, all of this is just a baseless assumption made without any consideration of facts. If you wanted facts, this is probably a bad place to find it.

In any case, if the stools are relatively solid, then your job is straightforward(relatively of course). Pull a few sheets of toilet paper and proceed with a simple wipe up. If you happen to own one of those spiffy toilet bowls with seat temperature control and a control which activates the little nozzle on the end of a retractable pipe to spray water in either a stream or a bidet up your bottom, it would be a good move to press the button to activate the control which activates the little nozzle on the end of a retractable pipe to spray water in either a stream or a bidet up your bottom. Also, I would like to be your friend, so that I can have a chance to twiddle the switches.

If the stools are relatively liquid, the job is actually more straightforward than one might think. The wipe up is easy due to the liquid nature of the stools, though it is advisable for the thickness/ply/number of sheets of the toilet paper used to be increased, thereby increasing the distance between your hand and the stools, in order to avoid the liquid part of the stool moving through the toilet paper and contacting your hand via osmosis. Still, it isn't that hard is it?

If one has suffered from food poisoning, the likelihood of the above mentioned stool being mixed with various noxious gases is very high. The likelihood of the gas and the liquid being engaged and a fierce competition to exit your body is also very high. The likelihood of them emerging as joint champions is also very high. So is the likelihood of the rest of your bottom ending up extremely unclean due to the explosiveness of the competition. Therefore, proceed with care to clean up each and every corner of your bottom(I know it is very difficult to have a corner on your rear unless it happens to be oblong shaped). Also take care not to release anymore substances during the process of cleaning up. In this case, no one can help you. Not even a zen-like state of mind.

There is also the possibility of the substance being extremely clingy and refusing to make a clean exit. In that case, one will find the use of toilet paper extremely futile, due to some of the substance still being in the body. As such, patience is a virtue. Sit on the throne for a while more(books and newspapers are a great help) and wait for the forces of gravity and your rear-end muscles to act on that little irritating nuisance. After you have made certain that all of the substance is expelled, proceed to clean up according to the solidity(most likely a little on the soft side).

There are also incidences where in the process of cleaning up, one chances upon discoveries unknown to the world(and are likely to remain unknown). Such as a pimple near the exit. Or what looks like blood on the toilet paper when you look at it to ascertain the cleanliness of your behind. My first reaction when I discovered something like that in mine was to think "bloody shit". I questioned the quality of the toilet paper, or other factors that could have caused such a thing to happen. At an unfortunate closer observation revealed that they were in fact, chili flakes, probably consumed together with the Korean noodles I had for morning tea break.

Finally, after you have ensured that your behind is free of unwanted substances, remember to wash your hands with soap. A zen-like state of mind will not clean it up. Also, I'd like to apologise to anyone, in fact everyone for even bringing up this topic. Such activities, of course, are meant to be done in private.

justin.

posted by justin @ 9:59 PM