Logicless Logic

asshole brother.

Of course, the title refers to myself. And how I am sometimes mean to my siblings just because. Yes, I am that much of a dick. But as exchange draws nearer, I think more of my family, which I will be leaving behind for 5-6 months. It may not seem like such a long time, and exchange looks like it will be enjoyable. But I sometimes feel like I'm not ready to fly just yet.

So what is it? I worry for example, for the health of my parents, aunt and grandmother, all of whom haven't been in the pink of health recently. I worry that if something happens while I'm away, they will not tell me, because they don't want it to dampen the exchange experience. I'll insist they do when I fly. I think of what they had to do just to let me go for exchange, and the money which they have given me. While yes, technically receiving money should be a happy event in general, I feel unease, because this money could be used elsewhere, like paying the bills, groceries etc. I have taken a loan, and I feel like I should live and die by that, instead of receiving so much money. All the small issues that seem to be easily resolved when face to face suddenly becomes magnified, when there is no physical presence. Also, is my going for exchange limiting my brother's and sister's (not so much) opportunities to travel to faraway lands for different experiences. I know I have the chance to do as such because I am academically more successful, but should that be a limiting factor?

Should the end of the world come about in December this year, I would of course, die apart from my family. So, these last few weeks COULD be the last time I see them. And when things are this way, holy shit, all the time in the world is not enough.

justin.

posted by justin @ 6:02 AM