Logicless Logic

INSTEP part 0

2012-01-30T17:13:00.000+08:00

Got an acceptance from Linkoping. Now for the tedious amount of administrative bullshit to go through. And of course matching up the courses. And the loan coming through. And of course there's this semester to get through.

justin.

uh wait what?

2012-01-27T09:34:00.000+08:00

So yet again, I find myself behind time, not just in studies, but literally. Technically, it's still Chinese New Year, but otherwise, not really, no. The semester has started good and proper(for other people anyway), and IHG has well and truly kicked off(since quite long ago. Remember what I said about being behind time?) Anyway, to sum up a truly crap-tastic week, we lost the softball game 9-7(fuck), CNY was spent sleeping until 4pm, so it felt like a normal weekend anyway, had my first waterpolo game, and inevitably, the first glaring mistake. Had my first quiz already. And this is already my fourth semester in University. Damn does time fly.

justin.

wow it's only been a week.

2012-01-21T01:51:00.001+08:00

Strange how I always choose to come back here on nights when I'm supposed to be home but instead have my ass stuck firmly on my chair in hall. Last weeks post was odd, so I suppose I should try to unodden this weeks. Except the only thing I am certain of is the total lack of any inspiration to write anything other than odd stuff, which might not seem so odd anyway. More pointless than odd really. Jon is in tonight, so there's sort of company, but at 2am in the morning, it's normal to be minding our own business anyway. The computer screen is more alluring than one might choose to believe. Softball game tomorrow, and I'm thinking about it more than I should. Maybe it's time to stop thinking and do something really productive. Like guiding my virtual football team to glory.

justin.

not so bad.

2012-01-15T03:31:00.000+08:00

It's Saturday night, and I'm all alone in my room in hall. The rain is pouring down relentlessly, with a fury not seen since I forged a report book signature some eight years ago. At this rate, we don't need umbrellas. We need an ark. A quiet rumble rolls in the distance. Is it thunder? A second listen proves conclusive. It is the stomach, growling in hunger, rather nearer. Food is at hand, but needs preparation. Besides, the layer of fat around my waist dictates that I do not consume anything at unearthly hours. As such, my eyes scan the area around the desk. The fingers move to an oblong cardboard container, and removes a single white roll from within. A spark, a flicker, a flame, a long, deep breath, and a thin wisp of smoke, rising into the falling raindrops. I remember, some time ago, when I said our life was merely like a cigarette, starting to die from the moment we ignite. Each breath we take, we die a little more, a little bit of us rising up into the air, like the cigarette smoke. That should stave off my hunger for a bit. An email comes in. I have company. New homework, new notes to read. Bad company.

And while it all seems rather bleak and miserable at the moment, it isn't. The heavy rain eases off a little. While there is still no sunshine (obviously, it's at night), the whoosh slows down to a calming pitter-patter. The smell of the rain does not catch my nose, because all I smell is burnt tobacco leaves. It seems like a perfect time to lie down, turn of the lights, and let my mind wander. For that is where the most ingenious ideas surface from the subconscious, exciting your senses. It is not something one can possess, for they, elusive as smoke, disappear when you try to hold it in your hands. And these ideas are wonderful, they are magical, as bleak as the real world might be. It is the best drug of all, are these ideas, from the state of the semiconscious. A little noise jolts me out of this verbal(visual?) diarrhoea, suggesting I end this entry and stop pretending to be philosophical. Because when I read this again tomorrow, I might be wanting to stab my own eyes out with a fork.

justin.

frenemy.

2012-01-06T15:58:00.000+08:00

I think I know how it's like. Nonetheless, it's just good, clean fun. I hope.

can't wait to reach the end.

2012-01-01T07:15:00.001+08:00

It's 2012. The supposed beginning of the end. And I begin this beginning, with a (most uncommon) case of the common cold (where which I believe I would pass away from[I know I say this many times, but this time it's REAL]), as well as severe hypochondria. And as we step into this new year, we will no doubt come across the term "resolutions". Some use it, some hate those who use it, nobody actually fulfills it, and I don't concern myself with it. I say this only because just yesterday (or last year) I said, "I am never going to step into a fucking cab in my life." And today I did. So that's done and dusted.

So I'll just pose a question to anyone who reads this. If the world was really to end in 2012, would there be any regrets with the life you have lived thus far?

As far as I am concerned, yes. There is no doubt, I'm having a very good life as it is. I have my family, my friends, a roof over my head, and few financial difficulties(mostly due to wants rather than needs). I am happy with my part. Where does the regret come in then? Having achieved nothing to repay my families love, and make them proud of me. And if the world did end in 2012, I wouldn't have had enough time(or so I believe) to take the slow track to a job after graduating, and finally actually supporting myself and helping out with the household expenses. It probably seems easy enough to achieve, but my lazy ass seems to be a big obstacle.

And I believe I have been spending way too much time in hall, to the point where I neglect my family. Home has become some sort of resort for me, where I don't help out at all, and wait for people to serve me. If there was one word to describe how I feel about this on hindsight, it would be shame. At the not-so-tender age of 23, behaving like a fucking child is not something to be proud of. I'd like to change that, starting now.

As it is, we start dying the moment we were born. It's a process of slow death, every digit of the digital watch ticking your life away, the hands of every timepiece shearing your life, bit by bit. It probably seems rather morbid at the moment, but if this was to be my last post(because as mentioned above, I think I am dying), I want it to be written with some flair. Whatever flair-ish thing I wrote above was inspired(and mostly copied) from Dean Koontz's books, which I am kind of lazy to refer to right now. But anyway, if 2012 really turns out to be the last year for everyone, however unlikely it is, then we should all use this year to try and make your life one with less (I'm not optimistic enough to say no) regrets.

Veering slightly off topic here(like a drunk driver), I look back upon the archives, and realise I have had this blog going on for some time now. Suddenly, I wonder why I did it. It's kind of like some sort of mark, however small, I wish my existence has made to this world. It's essentially the story of my life(inside my head), from when I started blogging. I want to tell it to someone, anyone, before there's no one left to tell. I hope it isn't as boring as a Physics textbook.

If there were any last words, presuming this is my last post(hypochondria at work here), I'd say Thank You, to each and everyone who has been a part of my life thus far. It's been a fairly tame ride I suppose, but tame rides are more comfortable!

Okay, really last words here. Happy New Year!

justin.

beautiful destruction.

2011-12-27T23:35:00.001+08:00

如果要告别

如果今夜就要和一切告别

如果你只能打一通电话

你会拨给谁？

If you had to leave everything behind tonight, and you can make only one phone call.

Who would you call?

Deep stuff from Mayday's new album. At the end of the world, paint a beautiful picture of its destruction, and savour it in your last moments.

justin.

many nights.

2011-12-27T17:44:00.002+08:00

It's been many long nights, and I haven't had enough sleep. I need some, before I collapse of sleepiness. Now seems like a good time.

it's that time of the year. again.

2011-12-24T22:21:00.000+08:00

It's Christmas eve. And it means nothing to me. Yesterday, I finally met up with Zhen Yu after 37 trillion years. It was all well and good catching up with an old friend I haven't seen in ages, and we just talked, like we always had. So that's one thing down from what I have to do after exams. And now, Christmas eve, the utterly meaningless, overhyped day of the year(for me at least), because my family doesn't celebrate Christmas at all, and I don't get (or give) presents. So here I am, sounding bitter, because it looks like Christmas will be spent at Meng's Kitchen with some fellas. So it's not bad at all really. Ha.

justin.

expect nothing, gain everything.

2011-12-22T18:38:00.000+08:00

And this is how the way things go usually no? It's been awhile since the end of the examinations, and this period was filled with activities to say the least. I've been to KL, Genting, as well as back to Pong Song village in Laos. Exciting times these, but there's really nothing to elaborate on without sounding like a naggy old fart. Which I might be anyway. After all that, I've been shuttling back and forth hall, attending IHG trainings, or giving excuses for not attending. Hall has been caught by the Skyrim craze, which unfortunately, I haven't had the chance to actually start on. I blame FIFA12 for that. And all this, is not what I want to say, hence confirming the fact that I am a naggy old fart.

So anyway, I (along with everyone else) collected my examination results yesterday. I fared better than expected, but not fantastically well. So it feels like of flat. Still need to work harder for next sem. However, as I said, because I didn't expect much from myself this sem anyway, it wasn't as bad as I would feel if I expected better. Similarly, for the overseas trips, I feel the experience was so enriching because we went there with no motive in mind, except to enjoy ourselves, drink and smoke a lot. Which we did, so much so we had a fear of beer and cigarettes. If that keeps up, we're looking at potentially saving an assload of money. Which can only be a good thing. And to prevent myself from drifting away again, I shall end here.

justin.

hey ho let's go.

2011-12-02T07:18:00.000+08:00

Do I honestly feel that way? Nah. You really know it's not going well when your tutor has "This is meaningless" tattooed on his back. Know what? It is meaningless. Regardless, it's the first time in a long time when the end of exams are actually a cause of relief.

justin.

I am good at something.

2011-12-01T01:30:00.000+08:00

Oh dear god am I good at procrastinating. I told myself to sleep if I was mentally exhausted, and here I am, again. Procrastinating from sleeping. That's a whole new level I didn't need to reach.

justin.

imagine.

2011-12-01T00:26:00.000+08:00

Now that I have my last paper left to go, I think I have developed what I like to call second last paper syndrome, where upon completion of the second last paper, you feel like the hell is finally over(it isn't) and that you are finally free(you're not). It's kind of like celebrating your release from jail when you still have 2 years left to serve. That kind of feeling. Anyway, with many friends having completed their examinations and headed on home, I can't help but feel a little bit lonely and bored, with nobody for company(toilet mates asleep) other than books, notes, and the internet.

When I'm all alone in the room, I sometimes like to pretend I'm a struggling musician, with only my old guitar as company, writing genius music and such. Except let's face it. I can't play the guitar except for a few chords here and there, the guitar's probably slightly out of tune(I can't tell anyway) and the amount of musical talent in my entire mind, body and soul is probably the equivalent of the talent in John Mayer's(or any other musician) toenail. So besides struggling, pretty much everything I pretend has no semblance of truth in it. That's why it's called pretending. And yes, I guess I'm being a child about it.

Also, on an entirely different note, I made quite the self-discovery today. I looked into the mirror after my shower today, and it turns out that I bear quite the resemblance(in my opinion) to Uncle Fester from the Addams Family (except for the baldness). What with the dark eye rings, and portly physique. Except I'm thinking Uncle Fester has probably tonnes more balls(in the metaphorical sense) than I do. Right. There appears to be no easy way to end this entry. Except by saying I should probably stop living in the imaginary world and GET REAL.

justin.

assholes.

2011-11-24T10:50:00.000+08:00

Asshole, meaning anus, is usually distributed as such. One asshole per person. Today, the distribution is about to change, because HS318 is going to tear me a new one. There's actually no reason for me to be feeling all restless and jumpy. After all I had 4-5 days to prepare for this paper... oh right. I wasn't preparing.

justin.

wouldn't it be nice.

2011-11-22T15:45:00.000+08:00

Honestly, at a time like this, I can't explain why I am not taking constructive action to study for my back to back papers, of which I (for the most part) have no clue about. Or maybe I can. Let me put forth my hypothesis. Nothing, and nothing, beats the feeling of goofing off. By goofing off I mean purposefully not doing anything constructive with your time, when there is obviously work to be done. Not doing anything when there is nothing to be done is not even a fraction of the fun. It might be the inner rebel, the lazy bones, or just a lethal combination of both. If I'm working hard to get a good degree to earn loads of money just so I can relax, I might as well relax now. Or get back to work, because I'm just being stupid.

justin.

few thoughts.

2011-11-16T14:20:00.000+08:00

There are literally very few thoughts in my head now. Some are about studying. Mostly rationalising why I'm not actually poring through my notes instead of doing other stuff. And some worrying about finding a cure for the surprising lack of urgency. I really wonder if I've gotten numb to exam stress. Or have I been like this all the time?

justin.

oh dear.

2011-11-14T12:33:00.001+08:00

It's 5 days to my first paper, and I'm not even feeling the pinch. Yet. How?

justin.

a week on. (oh won't you please take me home)

2011-11-10T22:28:00.002+08:00

It's been a day and a bit since I submitted my last 3000 word term paper (I had one weeks extension since the last time I was moaning about it). That week, though seemingly rather helpful, and very very kind on the the professors part, has meant fuck all to me, since I left it to the (second) last possible day to actually get started on it. By getting started I mean actually starting to type it in, rather than just making up what I'm going to write about when I'm talking to my friends about it. I actually do that a lot more. So, after submitting it, it felt like a heavy load was finally off my shoulders. Except it wasn't. Because time is magic, and lo and behold, the finals are coming up next Saturday, and I'm already jaded and burnt out, in no small part due to my lack of motivation and foresight to finish my essays early. GPA is already not looking optimistic this semester, and I'm preparing to wave my 4.xx (x=0 for now) goodbye.

So anyway, now that exams are in a little more than a weeks time, I feel overcome with the urge to get my fat lazy arse home, sit it down on a chair, and play a little(maybe 24hours?) FIFA12, because, West Ham United, under my capable leadership, are in the EPL (languishing in mid-table, but still). I'm getting so bored of what I have to do (study) because it seems like I've just finished my load of assignments, that I feel like I deserve a little break (of about 8 months), therefore, have become supremely unmotivated to continue with studying for the most important (academic only, because there are other things much more important, like Kenneth, Darren, Ashley and perhaps some others coming back to Singapore and we can go to Bintan for Pukefest 2011 and... sorry I get distracted easily) event of these past 6 or so months. So now I'm just whining here about how little I want to study and all that shit, because I'd rather complain about studying, than actually studying. I want to say fuck my life, but there are worse things happening out there (though I don't know what. Just worse than me), so nope. I'll move on.

To how I wish I had haki, or a Devil Fruit, or mutant powers. That would be pretty awesome wouldn't it?

justin.

Note to self: I'm on a roll baby. Not posted as much as I've done these few weeks. And I have an overwhelming urge to play FIFA12. FUCK!

misery. to a certain extent. some shallow, badly thought out philosophical musings.

2011-11-01T15:57:00.001+08:00

One thing I learnt about storms is that it never rains, but it pours. It's the same for shit storms apparently. In class(canteen, which might be the class for pseudo philosophical life lessons), I saw my results for 217. A second D+, which got me from smiling in ignorance to wallowing in despair(sort of) and self-pity, which I already know are actually pretty useless emotions to possess. The brighter side is that it only counts for 10%, though that's not really any consolation to the lowering in morale the grade gives you. But at this point in time, the useless emotions were still in check.

What really got me thinking(and left me feeling that life is that much bleaker), is the sudden realisation of how much I've grown up(read: became stupid). I used to talk about freedom, and fighting for ones hopes and dreams. Now, they've grown so constricted to just getting good grades. I realised my reaction of self-proclaimed despair and self pity was rather unbecoming of someone who used to celebrate Es because it meant I didn't totally screw up. Now even B-es seems like Fs.

Grades are like shackles that restrict your lateral movement, plodding along the straight path to attaining "success"(may I also put forth the proposition that one is totally unclothed, exposing whatever bodily orifice that COULD be entered into, thus leaving one extremely vulnerable). And one needs good grades to move forward. The alternative is staying where you are and getting fucked in the behind by the next person in line, fighting for good grades to move forward towards the same "success".

AND if everyone gets the same good grade, then it's just nothing exceptional. Which leaves me wondering what we are fighting for anyway. Have we all become so caught up in this rat race, which I was consciously trying to avoid for most of my life? Probably we have. And I joined in too late, which leaves me rather behind, especially in terms of mentality.

So, the alternative is of course, not caring about grades, and living life to the fullest, which is subjective anyway. Because without grades(assuming you're either not a genius who doesn't like to do well nor very rich), how can one live life to the fullest? There are too many restrictions to this conceptual freedom that the younger me has been chasing. That is, besides my obesity, cowardice and sloth(which I believe is just undiagnosed hyperinactive disorder).

There is the need to actually find work to earn money, which is another shackle Capitalism put on mankind, to gain material needs and wants. And to do that, one needs good grades and other stuff I'm not good at(or am too fat, lazy and cowardly to try to be good at). Even the fucking temp job with good money rejected me probably because of the way I dress(or fail to dress). This seems very much like labeling me as deviant, and while I do accept that, I don't accept turning me away from an easy job which earns me a large sum of money.

Of course, in spite of how despairingly bleak my future looks(to me) at the moment, I can always look at people with poorer material life, and yet live contentedly. Like the people who I am going to visit soon in Pong Song village. However, whatever they give up in material needs and wants, they also give up having to hand in essays weekly, competing with other people and seeing the worse side of human beings.

I understand that it may seem very shallow(yeah I'm a shallow person, so what?), and that many people will be willing to trade places with me. But freedom is expensive, and probably can only be achieved with lots of sacrifice. Including the freedom to starve. When all is said and done, and material needs and wants are given up for moral/psychological/mental freedom. Which brings us to the question. Is it worth it?

It isn't to me(I'm not brave enough, I like my food, I don't like to move), so at this point in time, I'm living my freedom through One Piece, where the pirates roam the seas wild and free, having one adventure after another. One might tell me that anime is a waste of time, and I could be using this time to study and get better grades. But it isn't. I'm using it to achieve the (somewhat pseudo) freedom I know hard work can never get me(because I'm too lazy and disenchanted to work hard. So probably I don't get hard work as well).

Which actually reminds me. I have assignments to complete. Back to the shackles.

justin.

fuck. the trap of procrastination is laid far and wide.

2011-10-29T13:00:00.001+08:00

After declaring that I MUST finish my memo by Thursday, I felt proud for starting work so early. Then comes the realisation that it is already Saturday, my memo is undone, and here I am, still blogging instead of doing it. Seriously, WAKE UP!

do you ever feel...

2011-10-27T16:36:00.001+08:00

Some(most) days, I don't even get up on time to catch daylight(because I sleep after sunrise). Some days when I do, I feel like going back to sleep. Today is one of those days. When 2pm feels like 5am(not really because at 5am I AM ALIVE!), and the warmth of my thin rag posing as a blanket beckons me, like a mothers bosom beckoning her beloved child. My bed is as hard as bricks(the softer kind, uh, yes FOAM BRICKS), but it appears to also possess the hugging power of a grizzly bear added together with a Russian wrestler not unlike Zangief from Street Fighter and The Big Show. And the holding power of a quick-swamp(something like a quicksand, but in a SWAMP!). Meaning I am helpless and cannot extricate myself from it.

As I sink deeper, worrying thoughts begin to form in my mind. Thoughts of my imminent (and figurative) death, thoughts of why and how gender inequity is perpetuated in the domestic arena, thoughts of Durkheim's thoughts on whatever subject happens to be in his mind, thoughts of how I can get large amounts of money in a short time, thoughts of uh... nothing because there are intermissions in my thoughts where my brain gets to rest, thoughts of you know, how with this weather, with a cup of coffee and a pack of cigarettes, with only my lamp on and me sitting in front of the laptop, I could make like a struggling author, crafting out his novel... ENOUGH!!

I realise how much time I'm wasting, talking about how I am unable to get out of bed, when obviously, typing this post, I AM already out of bed. Why am I such a filthy liar? And instead of wasting my time talking about how I am unable to get out of bed, I might as well either just get in it or get on with work.

No wonder I never get things done.
_______________________________________________________________

On a totally unrelated note,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!

I should try to get home despite the weather.

justin.

here comes the rain.

2011-10-25T12:22:00.000+08:00

It's been raining quite often recently, but today it's slightly different. Today the sky is totally pissing on the earth like it's been holding it in for hours. But of course it hasn't. Perhaps the sky has gotten old and its bladder controlling skills are deteriorating. But I digress. This weather is no doubt the best for sleeping. But taking naps in the day is perhaps just the thing we don't have time for, given that our main focus every semester, the finals, are mere weeks away. Deadlines are slowly making dead (or dying) people, and Bedok Resevoir has become sort of a rather convenient morgue. Of course, there's always after the finals to look forward to, but that's like promising a better place to go to after death(sensitive eh?). Some people do believe in that after all, and who am I to stop them?

The sky is not only the thing that is raining though. In a rather coincidental juxtaposition, it happens that it is pissing rain in many people's hearts as well, for various reasons I shall not delve too much into. Academic matters, matters of the heart et cetera. I must say, this academic semester is not one (I want) to remember academically(it might be, but only because of how bad it is). It's been quite interesting, meeting new people in hall, getting pissed off for reasons old and new, spending money like that's what pissing down on us instead of water.

But the rain is good for one thing. That thing we don't have time for. No time? I'll make time for it(which makes me wonder why I can't do the same for studies[I know why but I am cheating myself]). Just one more thing. Cut the fucking double parentheses!

justin.

just a phase.

2011-10-23T20:07:00.001+08:00

I seem to be going through this not-yet-but-soon-to-be-quarter-life crisis, where at the (relatively)tender age of 23, I'm thinking of the good ole(once again relatively) days, where I was young(still am) and innocent(definitely not so much). The good old days are actually just about 5 years ago, when I was in JC, and when I had a brain as yet untainted by cynicism, technical knowledge and other stuff I believe will get me through life more easily.*

Now, sitting here about 5 years later, I am rushing out(in my mind, by panicking) a presentation due tomorrow, preparing to study for a quiz on Tuesday, and lamenting the fact that my life is made up of many deadlines which I have to hand up shit(all quite relevant work actually) that I don't want to do because it would make me die a little bit inside each time I do a piece of work. I must emphasise that I am not exaggerating when I say that, because every time I attempt a piece of work, my heart pumps faster, my brain goes into overdrive, and my eyes throb with every heartbeat. Mostly because I attempt all the pieces of work at once, in the last minute. And every time this happens, I question myself. What am I trying to achieve? What are my dreams? I usually cannot answer, because by then, my mind would have wandered elsewhere, probably into One Piece, which I am desperately trying to catch up on, or just talking with people. Or even this blogging shit, which I haven't done in ages.

I hope this quarter-ish life crisis phase gets by real quick. Hopefully in another 5 minutes, because I really need to get my work done.

justin.

* I lied. Ok, I'm sorry but I lied. My brain was already tainted with shit like algebra and other math shit I can't remember. And P.E.

Once upon a time...

2011-10-16T02:27:00.000+08:00

...all we had were words.

Now, all we have left are cynicism and cigarettes.

justin.

oh hello there.

2011-09-22T02:20:00.000+08:00

It's been awhile since I last posted. And it's been awhile since I started with anything other than that last line. University life is really fast paced, and recess week is already upon us. I feel myself drifting along the fast currents, hanging on to my friends like pieces of driftwood, just to stay afloat. But of course, now that there's temporary respite(and also because facebooks new interface is like fucking shit), I'll take a break and try to write some random stuff. Like how hall is slightly different this year, with new faces coming in, some old faces gone. It does take some getting used to, but there are some sound fellows coming in, so I guess it's all good.

I've also been thinking, after countless Sundays without sleep, what gets me through? And the answer could not be simpler. Close friend and fellow procrastinator, Darren Tan, on the other side of the world. I think it's a good thing we're always up at the wrong time, helping each other get through shit by not being there and mocking each others deadlines. We're probably engaged in some kind of rivalry to see who has more work left undone, and every time, we cut it close. I need to stop this nonsensical behaviour though. I've missed 2 tutorials on Mondays already, and it's not going to help my grades. Time to pull my socks up and stop writing my blog in some gay narrative manner. IDEAS, NOT FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT GOES ON IN MY LIFE! REMEMBER THAT!

justin.

the death of...

2011-08-23T16:56:00.000+08:00

It's been some time hasn't it. After all these years, this blog has finally become a place for self-reflection, where with the invention of facebook and twitter, no one will bother to come and take a look. And my my, isn't that(in case I(who might come back and read this in the future) think I was referring to no one coming to take a look, I actually mean twitter and facebook) where proper English language meets its demise. Not that it's going to be much better in blogs, but without the (honestly not very useful) 140 character limit at least I type my thoughts out in coherent sentences, without having to resort to txtspk and such to squeeze my thoughts within the limit. Which helps in self expression. I think.

While on the topic of demise, another thing that is facing demise is my wallet, or more specifically, the amount of money in it. In the short span of one year, I managed to rack up debts of almost $2000, which might not seem like a whole lot of money, until you owe it to someone, in which case $2000 seems like an infinite amount of money. $746 to Ronald for the speeding fine in the godforsaken place that is Australia, and $1200(or is it $1400?) to Johnson for that Macau trip. I need to do month worth of jobs to clear that debt and get my net asset(?) back to ZERO.

School has been rather dull, as always has been. Nothing new on that front, other than the fact that it has perhaps become duller, and also harder. I always say fuck school, but am too much of a coward to go any further than that. At the end of the day, my attendance for lectures and tutorials will be nothing short of exemplary, whereas my grades will end up nothing more than mediocre.

While I have finally found some time to get back to writing this shit, I feel like it's still quite short on flair and inspiration. This is what reading old peoples theories about the social world does to a person I think. Not that I read much, but the old, confusing sentences that uses 28 pages to illustrate one point/concept will be the death of me.

justin.

holy shit?

2011-06-14T05:36:00.000+08:00

I never realised it. But it's been 5 years since I started blogging. Though not so often now. Because facebook is the dearth of long coherent posts(I've said this before somewhere haven't I?). Anyway, what I really wanted to say is, "wow". Now that I'm done with saying what I want, it's time to end this entry rather abrup-

dreaming of a land not far away.

2011-06-05T20:59:00.000+08:00

Just 2 days back into city life, and we are all dreaming of Pong Song. 12 days was way too short, despite the minutes sometimes seemingly never ending. The inability for me to put this feeling into words really makes me feel helpless, and perhaps, that, is the beauty of feeling. I'll try to make a more coherent flow of the feelings after looking through more pictures and my own journal and shit.

justin.

it has come to the point in time. again.

2011-04-28T17:51:00.000+08:00

The time when the dread examinations loom(next Friday), and I am strangely perturbed, yet not surprisingly inactive. It seems it is never last minute enough. Instead, I am enjoying the sound of Motorhead and Lemmy's guttural roaring into the mike that is pointed downwards. I'd say, life in Uni is passing surprisingly quickly, and I hope that it feels slightly longer than what I'm feeling it is so far. With every cigarette, 5 mins of my life in uni passes, but eventfully because there is a quota of 30mins talk per stick unless there are urgent matters to attend to such as having to visit the toilet or studying. NOT. Anyway, as I have stated, exams are looming, and I am not doing anything about it. At the same time, after the exams come the OCIP trip and visiting Kenneth in Sydney. Oh and the small matter of elections. I am not going to say anything about it.

justin.

medicine is the best medicine.

2011-03-23T04:25:00.000+08:00

Right. Now that Hall Productions are over I've got a big swollen lump of flesh in my mouth, a nose that's blocked and runny at the same time, and a deep throaty cough that works up a little bit of my lungs every single time without fail. As the saying goes, what doesn't kill me makes me even whinier. So here I am. One of these days I think people who get sick of my whining might just shoot me instead.

Some reflections on Hall Prod though. The thing I want to say most to everyone is ~~FUCK~~ THANK YOU! For making the long and arduous journey more interesting, fun exciting, and sometimes even more long and arduous. Not gonna mention names but special mention to Props and Sets and the people who helped out. Late nights working have never been so interesting. What props and sets have gone through together is close to army, and that's something that brings people together to a certain extent. There was also a certain lack of respect to authority which makes things just a little more fun. Cheers and here's to more good times. Meanwhile, time to get ~~high~~ well on (prescription) drugs.

justin.

prose over hos

2011-03-04T14:46:00.000+08:00

My Iron Maiden tees look so damn poser now that I've cut my hair. I'm beginning to lose my flair for writing long prose ever since the creation of fucking microblogging and facebook statuses and whatever the fuck it is. And I'm falling into that trap. I need to reverse it in order to preserve whatever writing skills I have left.

On another note, here's a brilliant insult from Shanks. "Slower than steam rising off a dog turd."

And on that bombshell, I'll see you(myself) again.

justin.

it's still early.

2011-02-28T04:15:00.000+08:00

Or so it always seems. Procrastination has always been an issue with me. Or at least I know it's an issue, but I think it can be dealt with later. Which of course is procrastination as well. School has started for a few weeks now, I don't clearly remember how many because I only can presume it's week 5 but I'm too lazy to check. Speaking of which, I am too lazy for my own good. I'm not saying laziness is a bad thing, though it does seem like it most of the time. There is a laziness which makes one look for short cuts and finish whatever they have at hand faster, but not my kind. My kind of laziness allows me to twist the fabric of time(only in my mind), to an extent where I don't feel the urge to do whatever I have to do and would much rather be sitting down, doing nothing or something else(such as typing this entry I'm sure no one but me[maybe not even me] cares about), because I feel that I have a lot of time left over. Which quite clearly isn't the case. I always think "it's still early." Well, it's still early alright, but it's early in the morning the next day. Figuratively and literally speaking.

justin.

It's 4 in the morning, you've got one more chance to die,
Like beautiful stories the greatest chapters flew right by.
There comes a day when we all find out for ourselves,
That once we have the words to say there's no one left to tell.
-Avenged Sevenfold, 4am

sleep time.

2011-02-21T04:25:00.000+08:00

In all honesty I was close to posting this shit on facebook just so people read it. But I think it's not such a good idea, in a world where virtual and physical reality so often get mixed up and treated as the same thing. What I wanted to say was actually something along the lines of "If there's a need to call me to do something in the middle of the night when I'm getting ready to sleep, there'd better be something important for me to do(that does not involve standing around listening to people decide what they want. While my sleeping time continues to disappear, never to return.)." All in all, I really did not appreciate being dismissed then called back to do (unnecessary) menial labour. After I had already taken a shower.

justin.

choices.

2011-02-15T00:19:00.001+08:00

Hall games or Iron Maiden? I made a decision. I've made it a long time ago. So now I live with it.

before i forget.

2011-02-14T16:17:00.000+08:00

I have already lost sight of why I even had the blog in the first place. Haven't been doing any decent posting here for ages, because I can't seem to use my words right anymore. No more wordsmithing. Have been doing good reading lately though. Clarkson, May, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, cracked.com etc. Perhaps it's time to start on a quest to look for my ability to write what is not sensible. School essays are the dearth or creative writing. Turn brain, turn.

justin.

IRON MAIDEN!

2011-02-14T14:48:00.000+08:00

Sonisphere, Maiden tmr, STP March 11, Slash and Saxon March 12. Life's good.

ark.

2011-01-31T15:20:00.000+08:00

In light of the heavy rain in Singapore for the past 30 hours, an ark should be built, in case there are further cases of severe flooding and Singapore goes the way of Venice(sinking). Should such a situation arise, we should board the ark two by two, in orderly fashion, with a member of the opposite gender, to ensure survival. This is done in a first come first serve basis unless the captain of the ark, whoever it may be deems the individual unsuitable for boarding. There may be several factors, including but not limited to:

a) Health - Individual should be healthy and free of diseases. Especially those of the venereal variety.

b) Aesthetic quality - At the captain's discretion.

c) Skill set - Should be able to contribute to society once the flooding subsides.

The above may be changed at the discretion of the captain, or the person letting people in. Thus it is advised that one should be on good terms with that person, as yet undecided.

Citizens are also advised to learn swimming, should the situation arise that one might need to travel across a water body to safety or does not have a place in the ark(STD carriers take note). There is an alternative - drowning, which is not as attractive as swimming. Using of flotation devices are also an alternative, if an individual does not wish to learn to swim, nor suffer the forced entry of water into the respiratory system. However, it is not foolproof. Besides the fact that they might not be able to support a large mass, the sight of one clinging on to the flotation device in desperation might lead to a total loss of dignity. Should an individual be seen as such, he/she should consider letting go and instead fall into the sweet embrace of death.

*While it is understood that the ark is also a flotation device, one should understand that they might not have a place in it, one they do not meet the criteria.

It should also be noted that as this article is being completed, it seems that the rain has stopped. The proposal is thus shelved until the next 30 hour thunderstorm.

justin.

another new year huh?

2011-01-08T22:43:00.000+08:00

So the first post for 2011 comes on the 8th of January. Nothing to do with resolutions and shit like that. This years New Years Eve party was the best ever. I think everything should be left untouched in memory and conversation form rather than be made to sound boring here. Great company, great drinks, great games, great fun. Participated in my first interhall games, which is still ongoing. In the process, I have lost my voice in totality, making it impossible for me to speak in any way except for whispering. Anyway, I don't have much to say. It's posting for the sake of it.

justin.

tell me.

2010-12-26T23:04:00.000+08:00

Exams are over, Boris made a surprise return, and everyone has a chance to hang out again. But there are some clashes in schedule, and I have to get my priorities right. Right? So it's right at this point in time that I remembered how little I like people making me feel obligated to do something. If I do something it's because I want to do it and not because I have to. Even though they might both be the case. Therefore, while I might see the logic in the "try not to be late" sms(and I shouldn't be late anyway. Punctuality is a virtue.), I don't like the tone which comes together with it. The activity is something I choose to do with my time, and while yes, I should give my all, I don't think anyone but me has the right to tell me that. This might mean fuck all to anyone else, but that's just the way it is. I don't like people telling me what to do. I am old enough and I can judge for myself.

justin.

halfway there.

2010-12-19T19:38:00.000+08:00

Two more papers, three more days. Still too long. Seems to me how life is just a series of countdowns. Countdown to 18. Countdown to 21. Countdown to ORD. Countdown to end of exams. In the end, when we have reach the end of our journey, what have we done, other than counting down?

justin.

exams.

2010-12-15T18:07:00.000+08:00

Exams are not like wars, fighting fires, or girls or whatever. They are like reading your books and doing your homework and understanding what they mean and getting a score for writing down what you know within a time span to provide an answer for the questions posed to you. It's that simple.

justin.

physics and cats.

2010-12-08T23:41:00.000+08:00

"I can imagine Newton sitting down and working out his laws of motion and figuring out the way the universe works and with him, a cat wandering around. The reason we had no idea how cats worked was because since Newton, we had proceeded by the very simple principle that essentially, to see how things worked, we took them apart. If you try to take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a nonworking cat."

(Adams, D. The Salmon of Doubt, p135)

i don't belong here.

2010-12-03T11:37:00.000+08:00

Unbreak me
Unchain me
I need another chance to live.

James Owen Sullivan

did i study? did i hell.

2010-11-30T18:53:00.000+08:00

It's pouring outside. And it's the start of examinations next Friday. It's impossible not to sleep, but a sin(these things are just social constructs) not to study. At times like these, the only solution in sight seems to be hypnopaedia.

justin.

cause for alarm.

2010-11-18T08:35:00.000+08:00

I was in a state of semi-consciousness when I thought of how aptly named alarm clocks are. Clocks that are designed to cause a state of alarm to the human body, to rudely awaken it from its state of rest and start another trudge through the mundane routines. The reason I actually did think of it was because I had set the alarm for 9am, and I was constantly looking at my mobile phone clock from 5.30am - 5.47am - 6.22am- 7.15am, unable to get any sleep. Why? Fear of the alarm. The body's natural protection from being rudely awaken and therefore being tired the whole day, was to just stay awake and be tired anyway.

I seriously think that a persons worst nightmare is not one of horror, war, blood, mythical creatures picking at your eye, loss, falling from a very high place, drowning, or anything of that sort. A persons worst nightmare is very real. That in itself, is a cause for alarm.

justin.

if only.

2010-11-17T22:26:00.000+08:00

The words of longing for the past. One should minimise the use of these words, for there would be a nuance of regret. And yet, if only, I was still in Catholic High, life would be much simpler. Where passing a test puts you on the top of the world (not for the muggers), and obstacles are cleared with little or no effort. Where our troubles are all about the little things, having proper attire and haircuts, staying awake through lessons, for the ultimate goal, the O' Levels. These days, what we're used to clearing in two years have to be rushed through in six months. Yet, I'm still stuck in the good old days, where the first six months of school are purely for playing. Who cares about failing a test? Well, nowadays, everyone else. So I have no choice but to follow suit, carried along by the strong currents, not just aiming for a pass, but a high GPA. Swimming against it is tiring and ultimately, if you're not strong enough, you drown. How I wish I had a way back into the wading pool that is secondary school.

justin.

suddenly.

2010-11-11T19:10:00.000+08:00

Suddenly, I feel like eating fried chicken. Like from Popeye's or KFC. So it's been a rather busy past few weeks due to me being lazy, therefore having to rush out my essays and study for my midterms in the space of 2 days. Before that was my big 22nd birthday bash, where I had the best gift ever. Endless vomit smelling of raw eggs, torn underwear, and abrasions on my scrotum. I hope the effects are not lasting. University really sucks the life out of people at times. If I wasn't in hall, I think I'd have no friends.

justin.

oh shit.

2010-10-25T05:35:00.000+08:00

I don't know what just happened. You do remember sometimes when you just go wha? What happened? This is one of the times. Recess week just slipped by, slippery as a fish. Or a soap bar. And all that I remember about it is that it's over already. And that I haven't done any of the things that I wanted to do during that period of time. Including my presentation. Really, it's just one of those times, when I wish I could turn back time. But if I could, then I'd probably want to turn it back more than to just last week. There would be so many places back in time I wanted to go to. Probably just for the better I can't anyway.

On another note, I really want to say how difficult it is for me to churn out long, detailed entries about whatever I want to say anyway these days. It's probably because of this social whirlpool known as facebook, which people are sharing stuff and updating shit on anyway, making online journals like this kind of redundant. Well, I hope it doesn't, because unlike facebook, I can probably type shit here without worrying(too much) about who sees it anyway. Actually I probably do. It's still on the internet isn't it? It's just one of those (many) times that I'm not making any sense. Understandably, given that it's 5.35 in the morning and I've got a lecture in four hours, which leaves me wondering why the fuck I'm still doing a redundant post I'll come to regret when re-reading this some time in the future.

Note to self when I do come back and read this: DO NOT WASTE TIME ON THINGS LIKE THIS AGAIN!

justin.

what do we do? where do we go?

2010-10-15T16:35:00.000+08:00

I don't know. I just want to sleep.

say more with less.

2010-10-10T03:54:00.000+08:00

I realise, now, that it is so much easier to write more, than to express all your ideas within a word limit.

justin.

punch you in your dreams.

2010-10-09T16:42:00.000+08:00

Who really knew what happened last night? I was happily asleep when I woke up with a sudden, sharp pain on my right knuckle. I saw some skin coming off, an abrasion no doubt. Coupled with the throbbing pain, I could only conclude that I had inadvertently punched the wall in my sleep. Without consciousness to hold back some strength(not that I had a lot in the first place, fortunately), my subconscious (and probably dreaming) self had done something really stupid. And now, I have a pain in my right knuckle for something I don't even remember doing.

I was also thinking, on a totally random note, what did I leave behind when I stopped going for softball trainings in the second year of my Sec 3 education. I had thoroughly enjoyed trainings, a feeling I've recently remembered (though not fully) after going for hall softball trainings. What if I had followed through? I guess I'll never know. Would really like to get a glove though(or my glove back. I lent it to someone and it was never returned for 7 years. Then again the condition would probably not be worth it anyway.)For now, back to studying. MUST CONCENTRATE!

justin.

you can't win this fight.

2010-10-08T16:37:00.001+08:00

It's a struggle. Been 1 month since the start of school and activities wise it's been great. There are friends to hang out with just a stones throw away, or in my room. What is the real struggle is with myself, to really concentrate on studies with the plethora of activities luring me away from them. The environment is pretty conducive whenever I really do study. The problem is that I don't do it often enough. I wish I could slap myself awake. Not literally. Since I have writing classes, perhaps it's time to come here more and polish up my writing.

justin.

seriously.

2010-09-26T18:17:00.000+08:00

Got to wake the fuck up. Mid-terms for natural hazards in less than 2 weeks. And I haven't even studied for it at all. Nor attended any lectures for that matter.

the inevitable has happened.

2010-09-05T15:33:00.000+08:00

Today is a very sad day. I will remember it for the rest of my life, for today is a day to remember for the rest of my life. Today is the last day of a very long weekend, starting on 25th Jan 2010. Today is what I, and many of my brothers have left, of freedom. Incomplete the freedom might be while it lasted, tomorrow incomplete freedom becomes the complete lack of it. Locks and shackles will bind us, and we cannot win. But we must keep our heads up and survive and thereafter, emerge stronger. This sad day is inevitable. We have lived in anticipation(not always the good kind) of its arrival, and tomorrow, arrive it will.

School starts tomorrow. Don't I just love to dramatise.

justin.

uh oh.

2010-09-02T20:30:00.000+08:00

Went for Sociology welcome ceremony today. If this is a sign of things to come, it's not looking good. I believe I have dozed off countless of times, and it's only them saying welcome. With further information, I don't know what I can say. Well, here goes.

justin.

it's been awhile.

2010-08-31T00:51:00.000+08:00

Back from Macau and hall camp, which I must say was better than expected. No details because they are too hard for me to remember exactly. But in general, the people were great. School is starting soon and maybe then I'll have more things to blog about.

justin.

man I am a filthy liar.

2010-08-13T06:42:00.001+08:00

I lied to my family about going to a chalet tomorrow when I'm actually going to Hong Kong. And now I can't sleep. Because I can't get over my conscience. The cliches about one lie leading to more lies seems to hold alot of water. I should not allow this to happen. Therefore I will tell them the truth when they get up tomorrow. Last minute yes, but better late than never. And I hope I never land myself in a situation like this again. Why do people lie?

justin.

band of bros.

2010-07-24T01:45:00.000+08:00

Went to hang out with the guys just now. It's probably the last time Ronald and I are going to see Boris for a long time. The feeling is quite unexplainable. Not unlike that day when we sent Kenneth off at the airport. And it's not too pleasant.

justin.

a break from the routine.

2010-07-22T13:35:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was the first time in ages I slept in a bed at night. Having finished work on Tuesday, it seems like the holidays are here(for about a month anyway). I feel a little relief, but a little strange, not having anything to do at night(not that we had much to do at work). Late night talk cock and smoking sessions have been cut. It doesn't seem so much a job, unless they pay people to relax and smoke. I don't know how to continue or end. So that is that.

justin.

not so helpful.

2010-07-18T09:34:00.000+08:00

Today, I was waiting for my bus at YMCA opposite the Cathay when a couple of tourists asked for directions to Jurong Birdpark. I was not sure of the directions so I tried to get them to take the MRT to Jurong East or somewhere near there, so it would probably be alot easier to navigate. As I was explaining to them, my bus arrived. I wanted to tell them to board the bus with me to get to Redhill station, but in the end, due to miscommunication(I think), they thought I was saying that my bus was here and that I had to go. So I boarded the bus and left.

On the bus, I wondered if helping them out and missing just that bus was actually the thing I should have done. Considering everything, I wouldn't have much to do reaching home 15 minutes earlier anyway, so it wasn't that big a loss. And they would have had some help. I certainly wouldn't like someone I was asking a question to board a bus midway through his explanation. Perhaps, courtesy campaigns are for people like me, who think of themselves ahead of others, unwilling to sacrifice even a little bit of his own time to help someone who needs it. Not feeling too proud now.

justin.

meanwhile the mice endure the wheel.

2010-07-16T16:21:00.000+08:00

I went to have my contact lenses prescribed today. My grandmother has been to the same optician for more than 10 years, so I went there as well. I had my eyes checked and there was no change in the severity of my short sightedness. My brother was there as well, having missed school, and somehow, we went into the topic of this strange thing called life. What the optician said struck me. He said he only woke up when he was 27. He didn't like to work, and loved to enjoy himself. But there comes a time, when you realise your dreams are just that and that you have to join in the rat race, just to feed yourself. It seems like a harsh reality, but honestly(and sadly), I think he's right. Perhaps there is a lack of risk taking mentality, perhaps the price to pay for risk taking in Singapore is too big for people to be willing to take the first step. So the next best thing is to follow the masses, and swim with the current. Or perhaps I am too short sighted to see what's really good.

justin.

buried alive.

2010-07-15T15:02:00.000+08:00

Take the time just to listen
When the voices screaming are much too loud.
Take a look in the distance
Try to see it all

Chances are that ya might find
That we share a common discomfort now
I feel I'm walking a fine line
Tell me only if it's real

Still I'm on my way (on and on it goes)
Vacant hope to take.

HEY!

I can't live here for another day!
Darkness has kept the light concealed
Grim as ever
Hold on to faith as I dig another grave
Meanwhile the mice endure the wheel
Real as ever
And it seems I've been buried alive

I walk the fields through the fire
Taking steps until I found solid ground
Followed dreams reaching higher
Couldn't survive the fall

Much has changed since the last time
And I feel a little less certain now
You know I jumped at the first sign
Tell me only if it's real

Memories seem to fade (on and on it goes)
Wash my view away

HEY
I can't live here for another day!
Darkness has kept the light concealed
Grim as ever
Hold on to faith as I dig another grave
Meanwhile the mice endure the wheel
Real as ever
And I'm chained like a slave
Trapped in the dark
slammed on the lock
Death calls my name
And it seems I've been buried alive

Take you down now
Burn it all out
Throw you all around
Get your fuckin' hands off me
What's it feel like
Took the wrong route
Watch it fall apart
Now you're knockin' at the wrong gate
For you to pay the toll
A price for you alone
The only deal you'll find
I'll gladly take your soul
While it seems sick
Sober up quick
Psycho lunatic
Crushing you with hands of fate
Shame to find out
When it's too late
But you're all the same
Trapped inside inferno awaits
Evil thoughts can hide
I'll help release the mind
I'll peel away the skin
Release the dark within

This is now your life
Strike you from the light
This is now your life
Die buried alive
This is now your life (What's it feel like)
Strike you from the light (Let me dig in your soul)
This is now your life (What's it feel like)
Die buried alive (Let me dig in your soul)
This is now your life
Die buried alive

diarrhoea.

2010-07-15T13:11:00.000+08:00

I wanted to do a piece to you know, just exercise the literary side of my brain. But its kinda lazy now so I'll do it soon. If ever.

departure.

2010-07-02T11:50:00.000+08:00

We went to the airport yesterday to send Kenneth off. He was going to study in Australia. There were smiles and jokes all around, trying to mask the somewhat sombre atmosphere. We all joked about giving him all our money so that he need not leave, but hidden behind every jest, is a truth nobody dares to speak of. We are all men, and we do not talk of our emotions openly. But when the time came for him to leave, most tried to fight back the tears. Some managed to, some failed. But perhaps, this is the thing that can make a grown man weep. Not blood. Not sweat. But a brother, whom has been in your life for so many years, suddenly being not in your life(physically) anymore. I know he's not gone for good, but 4 years is a long time. Johnson had better get married soon.

honestly.

2010-06-28T21:03:00.000+08:00

I'm not doing this on facebook because then I'd be a bastard, as well as using facebook much too often for my own liking. But seriously, making a status that's directed at one person is really quite retarded isn't it? And then when the person it's directed to comments on that status in the most indirect yet easily inferred manner and the original person replies likewise. And this goes on. For fucks sake(even though I am just being a busybody and have nothing to do with the people in question) why don't you just call each other or even use MSN. That would take away the need to attempt to conceal what you really want to say under a thin veil of tissue paper. That is to say, the concealment stands out as much as a hippopotamus in the Central Business District.

The reason I'm even ranting like this is because online virtual reality seems to be increasingly closely tied to actual reality. Not looking too good for the real world.

justin.

my my that was quick.

2010-06-28T10:53:00.000+08:00

Someone found my team member pass. Thank you whoever you are.

On a quite different note, we were talking about music somehow during the ending hours of last nights shift. And then I listened to Pinkly Smooth on the way home, and felt(again) that it's such a shame that a musical talent like The Rev had to leave us so early and unexpectedly. Then again, quoting Ronald(maybe again),

"You either die a legend, or live to see your legend die."

the distant future. the year 2000.

2010-06-27T09:36:00.000+08:00

I was thinking to myself 5 seconds (7 seconds now) ago, what is going to happen to my life, merely weeks from now, when my job has ended and some of my friends have gone overseas, and university starts. Then I suddenly remember that I'm not a psychic and cannot tell the future, so I gave up thinking and went to play Football Manager instead.

justin.

now that i've lost you it kills me to say, i tried to hold on as you slowly slip away.

2010-06-27T09:10:00.002+08:00

I lost my team member pass.

like a virgin.

2010-06-19T21:40:00.002+08:00

I woke up with a mosquito bite on my left testicle. At least now I'll die knowing a female had sucked my balls.

driving it away.

2010-06-19T02:30:00.000+08:00

Today, I drove my brother to release the cat he brought home a few days ago. Since we weren't allowed to keep it, I think it's just as well we haven't thought of a name. I for one would have given it some real normal name like Tom or Jack or Suzie or something. But I'm not so sure the cat, which by the way is female, ruling out Tom and Jack, even bothers to respond to any sort of name calling. Not even "Hey you fucking cat." garnered any lasting response. It looked more interested in pouncing on a soft toy tied to a string which my brother swung around the room like a puppet, therefore my brother is the Master of Puppets. But I digress.

The word the cat would use to describe my brother as he was fooling around with her would probably be "fool". But the cat, of course, doesn't know the word "fool", nor any other word for that matter, because she was just a small cat, and if there was any word that she would recognise, it would probably be her name, which we haven't come up with, so it's dictionary would probably have only "fucking cat", because that's what I tend to call it. So anyway, since we weren't allowed to keep it, I drove my brother back to where he found the cat and let it back into the wilderness of the lobby of my brothers friends condo. And realised that my driving skills have severely deteriorated. FUCK.

justin.

garfield.

2010-06-15T10:04:00.000+08:00

My brother just brought a stray cat home. It's fine, but for the fact that it's not fucking Garfield. I only want a cat that thinks sarcastic thoughts at me so I can think back more sarcastic thoughts and we can have a telepathic battle of wits. And it sleeps on my bed. NOTHING SLEEPS ON MY BED BUT ME!

justin.

you can feel my strength destroy you.

2010-06-13T18:04:00.000+08:00

Consider this situation. A customer at the carpark asks for the parking rates. The buggy driver in question(me) gives it to him. He gets another driver to top up his cash card for him(only $15 and rudely asks him to hurry). The customer asks the driver to calculate his total rate if he came in at 10. So he did. Then he asks the rate for if he came in at 9 plus. So I was doing it halfway, because of the fucking half hourly rates, when the below conversation happened.

Customer: Stop. Don't count already. You go to the gantry and let me out now.

Me: I'm not supposed to do that. Besides there's already people at the gantry.

Customer(aggressively): Then why you still ask me top up?

Me: The carpark is not under our control, we are just buggy drivers.

Customer: Damn it（他妈的） lose money still need to pay parking.

And I have had enough and walked away. Of course he had to pay. You pay the parking fees because you use the carpark, not because you win money. Who gives a rats ass what you use the parking for. I seriously don't understand how he believes himself to be right. A casino is where many people lose money, and that person is just one of millions. What made him believe that he was special and exempted from paying parking fees, expensive they may be. That he was Malaysian? Probably, since it was mentioned in a further exchange. But this type of people is probably why our neighbours up North still have a bad reputation with us.

justin.

more reflections on that same short time on the throne.

2010-06-11T09:05:00.001+08:00

When someone says I'm full of shit, they're usually right. I suffer from acute constipation.

justin.

reflections on my short time on the throne.

2010-06-09T11:33:00.003+08:00

When you call someone a bloody asshole, sometimes think about when you have diarrhoea or when you accidentally wipe your ass too hard. It hurts real bad.

justin.

imagine.

2010-06-09T10:09:00.000+08:00

Oh, the things I would be able to do if I had a hundred dolla... oh. Right.

justin.

meteorological verbal shower.

2010-05-28T20:04:00.000+08:00

Thing is, it's less a shower than a fuck tonne of rain hurtling towards Earth like a plane which has lost both its engines and is hurtling towards Earth. I'm thinking how I am going to get to work later. But the thing is I shouldn't even be thinking, because people don't usually think in their sleep. Which means I'm not sleeping. Which means I'm doing something else that I shouldn't be doing instead of sleeping. And I get annoyed at myself for not sleeping and yet I decide to just stay up. And instead of going to sleep, I'm blogging, making myself too tired for work later, which I'm going to find hard to get to in any case. Fucking rain.

I realise I'm complaining about the rain, when I really shouldn't be, because compared to the afternoon, when I felt like I was walking around in an oven, this weather is really comparably favourable. I'm not being fussy or all if-only-I-could-control-the-weather-y, but if only I could control the weather, it would be raining in the afternoon and nice and cool now. In fact, forget the rain, just nice 25degrees breezy weather all through the year.

justin.

because he didn't not do that thing that he was not supposed to not do.

2010-05-28T03:20:00.000+08:00

There hasn't been many updates basically because there's nothing to be updated on. Work is dragging on at a steady pace. I've been sent into a sleep induced rage after being woken up at unearthly(for me) hours of 7 in the evening. What's keeping me going is the promise of money to be earned to finance my material wants. Sonisphere. Iron Maiden. Motley Crue. It promises to be a hell of a trip.

Thing is, I'm thinking. Am I slowly but surely being dragged into the rat race, just like so many others, who though ideally would like to sit outside and observe other people in a mad rush for whatever is up for grabs, realise that if you're not one of them, then you must be either already very rich, or very willing to sacrifice material comfort. Which sitting on your ass is not likely to get you. Many speak of material comfort as if it isn't important to them at all, once you've got your best friends and family. But how many of them would be willing to sacrifice material comfort for their friends and family. And how many are actually willing to sacrifice their friends and family for materialistic gains. I fear the latter might outnumber the former. But I digress.

The rat race, though stupid to the observer, is actually necessary for the rats survival. At a time when so little food is available, rationality and logic get thrown out of the window and pure survival instinct kicks in. The fast and strong win. The weak or the lazy just don't get to eat. But I also realise I'm trying to justify the rat race just because I'm being dragged into it. Typical human nature.

justin.

the price of Ps.

2010-05-22T15:54:00.000+08:00

I wanted to buy a book today. It cost $24. So I didn't. But with the books comes additional knowledge(with understanding). And what is the price of knowledge?

green green grass.

2010-05-22T04:06:00.000+08:00

It's 4 in the morning and nearing the end of my off. I'm not asleep. Yet. I wish I was at work now busy earning money for my Sonisphere trip but I know if I was at work, I'd be wishing I was on off. Truly, I think I don't know how to be content. And I'm using a lot of "I"s in my post. Such a self-centred person huh?

Anyway, supper with James and Bia was good. And my brother caught a snake. Interesting times begin.

justin.

just go.

2010-05-19T12:30:00.000+08:00

I don't know why I never go to sleep early. I always manage to fill my time doing something so nonconstructive that even I can't remember what they are most of the time and that it would have been better and more rightly spent sleeping. Sometimes, it's really difficult to get any explanation regarding things like this.

On another note, A7X's new album Nightmare is coming out on the 27th of July. It feels a little strange, looking forward to something that you know will be the last of it's kind, in this case, the last A7X album with contributions by the late Jimmy "The Rev" Sullivan, who laid down drum demos, some vocal tracks and wrote some songs. On one hand, I'm eagerly anticipating the album, but on the other hand, it's sad knowing that A7X will probably not sound the same without the creative input of Jimmy. I hope that it turns out well, like how Metallica coped with the death of Cliff Burton, who was also a major musical influence in Metallica's early thrash metal days. In the meantime, Mike Portnoy's probably going to be awesome cover for Jimmy, at least with the drums. But Jimmy's vocals are more or less irreplaceable. I know it's also a little late to be writing some sort of R.I.P thing for The Rev, since he passed away in December last year, but the feeling of his death seems so surreal, right up till now. With various videos of his antics, his singing, his drumming, it feels like he's still here, though I've never actually met him(but I did see him live in a concert).

Regardless, I hope he's having a good time jamming with Cliff, Jimi, Kurt, not forgetting the recently departed Ronny James Dio, as well as various others. It's a rockin' afterlife.

justin.

maybe.

2010-05-14T15:58:00.000+08:00

I was looking at songwriting credits on Avenged Sevenfold's latest album and realised that The Rev had written the lyrics to both "Afterlife" and "Dear God", which seems oddly in place with his current situation, assuming the existence of an afterlife. Could he have known? Eerie.

on an entirely different (type of) note.

2010-05-14T13:54:00.000+08:00

Right now, at this time of immense boredom, all I want is my long lost mechanical pencil, just so I can scribble a few pictures on my long unused notepad. If I had a wish now, that's probably what I would wish for. Only on impulse. If it wasn't on impulse, well, that's for another time.

justin.

taking back.

2010-05-14T13:46:00.000+08:00

About 2 minutes ago, I accidentally deleted all the messages on my tagboard because of 2 ads I wanted to delete. The tagboard has been dormant for months at least, but I don't like to see messages left there by bots and shit like that. So happily, I went into the tagboard home page and pressed delete. But I accidentally moved the selection on the drop down menu to bulk delete 150 messages, leaving a mere total of my 1st 3 tags. So I deleted the rest of them too. It was a dumb move, though the tagboard was dormant, because tags are the little bits and pieces of what people who actually visit my blog's comments on whatever topic, whether or not it pertains to what I have to say. I'm sad to say that is all gone. I want to recover them but I don't see how I can. To everyone who has ever tagged, I'm sorry, both for you and for myself.

justin.

too abstract titles.

2010-05-11T15:23:00.000+08:00

The whole issue with me using titles that are somewhat creatively linked to my post is that when sometimes I want to search for a particular post, it gets extremely difficult because the title is linked to the post in only the most abstract manner and I'm probably not in the most abstract frame of mind if I'm looking back at old posts. Not very practical but at the same time, I'd like to think it's rather creative.

justin.

harvey.

2010-05-10T17:04:00.000+08:00

I don't even want to elaborate on this. Someone at work thinks a temp job is worth politicking over. Someone is not very smart and pretty much the ugliest human being who has ever set foot on this planet(I exaggerate for added effect). Not even my problem, because I haven't done anything wrong for him to shoot arrows. But I better watch my back.

what is freedom really?

2010-05-07T11:37:00.000+08:00

I was looking back on my blog posts way back in time. And all the time when I have been talking about freedom, I realise I have a slightly different explanation and idea. And perhaps now I realise that for the past few years, I've had no idea what I was yammering on about. If you ask me now, what is freedom, perhaps what I can tell you, with all my knowledge is "I don't know."

something deep from cracked.

2010-05-07T11:00:00.001+08:00

Matter can neither be created nor destroyed; when you die, what you mourn is not the loss of yourself, but the loss of your sense of self.

I'm sad to say, it's not the last time.

2010-05-04T13:00:00.000+08:00

I actually highly doubt anyone reads this anymore but it's fine because the weather isn't. The weather would be a classic storybook fine day,sun shining in the blue sky, white fluffy clouds and what the storybooks have missed out like, high humidity, high temperature, uncomfortable and sweaty skin. And my air-con has chosen a good time to take a break. And I've got work later tonight. And I can't sleep from the discomfort, despite understanding very well that yes, I do live in relatively comfort as compared to many people who are more unfortunate than me. And posting this on Facebook would be whining to the world about my "woes" which probably mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. But I'd like to whine anyway so here I am, writing something I know I'll read tomorrow and think "Wha-? I actually wrote that?" Just to confirm with future me. Yes that was us(assuming future me and present me are 2 different entities and stuff like that but I'm not here to write a sci-fi novel so I'll not elaborate).

justin.

mezmer.

2010-04-30T08:50:00.003+08:00

Mezmer - Pinkly Smooth

Today I sold my brother
Into hell, for evermore
Choice there was no other
I’m sad to say, it’s not the last time
I look into your body
Fill you up with enemies
It’s wave, oh, for the next life
I don’t know if I alone want you

Hey kids, gather 'round, it's story time.
Afraid, a little side of it is under spy
Some will eventually go out and die.
I think he really wants to die.
I don’t really want to die
I think he really swallowed

Raise it up to the lord,
If I die tomorrow, try to pull on me
Come to me with nothing
Watch you bleed, forever more

Soon he runs into his time, holding on
Choices on my own tongue
I’m strong enough, such I can deem, of
There is so long here.
It’s not enough for the last time

I look into your body,
Fill you up with enemies,
It’s wave oh for the next life
I don’t know if I alone want you.

Yeah

Saket has some better things to hug you by my time
(Doctor has some better things to occupy my time)*
I went for the study of the evil souls and I wish they replied
Well, I sat down on your stone and I talked with you for a while
And did you think that it was worth it

It’s burnin’ on its’ head
And I won’t believe this even happens here
I won’t rest until you bloody
Sanest, darn this, I can’t get you out of sight

You’re fucking fault
Sick for ya, sign of amaze
Sick for ya, you’ll be numbing for days
For the way, these mother fuckers never fail.

Sick for ya
So, sick for ya

*alternative lyrics because Pinkly Smooth never released their lyrics for any song other than McFly.

plan?

2010-04-30T07:28:00.002+08:00

The most detailed of plans is but a general guide, because nothing will go according to plan. If everything goes according to plan, then everyone would be fortune tellers.

justin.

a picture says a thousand words.

2010-04-28T23:41:00.004+08:00

justin.

shark attack.

2010-04-27T09:04:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, dreams are full of badassery. Like mine last night, where I got my arm bitten by a shark. Instead of punching the shark or whatever, I was trying to rip the shark off. And my arm turned out unscathed. Unfortunately, any other badassery that was about to happen afterwards was cut short by my being unable to breathe, not because I was underwater, but because I had a nasty blocked nose, thus woke up. Back in reality where badassery is but a dream.

justin.

of hopes, dreams and realisation.

2010-04-22T09:45:00.002+08:00

I realise 21 is far too young to be writing a summation of my life up till now, even more so when one has done nothing of any note in the grand scheme of things. You know, someone like me, who's greatest achievement in my 21 odd years was getting first in class in primary 3. Yet, just like any other person, who was a kid, I had my ambitions, which slowly evolved and changed as I grew older and (non the) wiser.

As far as I remember, my first ambition was to be a bus driver. I was a big fan of buses for reasons unknown, and I have some toy buses that remind me of that (a little childish but nonetheless my first) ambition, and of how privileged I am to actually own those toys. I'm not so much a fan of buses nowadays, probably due to the fact that I actually have to ride in them sometimes during busy periods, or them not turning up when I need them. I carried this ambition probably from my first memories until about the age of 7.

At 7, I hoped to wear spectacles because some favourite cartoon character from an insanely cool robot cartoon of which the title I cannot remember was wearing spectacles. I fulfilled this "dream" aged 9, realising sometime in the process that the "spectacles" was actually some cool aiming sight goggles. That was some dream fulfilled and shattered. Like my spectacles not too far in the future.

My next dream was more or less overlapped in my spectacle one, which was to become a cartoonist. I personally felt that I was more or less decent and drawing stuff and created some "storybooks" with animation with my primary school buddies. This carried on for quite some time, each of us taking turns to bring that exercise book home and fill the chapters in. This died down after we more or less lost contact after primary school.

For a period of time, when I just entered secondary school, all I wanted to be was funny. I couldn't remember why or how, but it's probably been a part of me since I was a kid. Putting it logically, from a kids point of view, being funny was probably the equivalent of being happy, and being happy is a good thing, so why not? It's probably stuck with me since then, and up till today, I still try to be funny (at the right times), with moderate success.

Then there was my rebellious phase of life, where I mixed with the "cool" people in school and played bass(pretty much terribly) in a band. I was interested in forming a band, and so got together some people who were also interested. I said I wanted to be a rock star, but it was just talk. To be brutally honest, I thought I was probably too laid back for that sex, drugs, rock n roll fantasy that the other guys seemed to have. I wanted to do music, but being supremely untalented at that, I figured I would just have to make do with listening and making the odd comment. I must mention that our band did win our school talentime, but it had more to do with us being "badass" on stage than actual musical talent. As I progressed through the journey of life, I've seen much better musicians than the arrogant pricks who were on stage that night. The "road to stardom" ended as swiftly and abruptly as it had started, with me being unceremoniously booted for being too lousy a bass player. I should have seen a coming from a mile away, but I didn't and so led to a bit of bad feelings. So I sold my bass, and with it, my dreams of stardom. Now, at 21 plus, I'm thinking of picking up the bass and actually learning how to play again.

Afterwards, I think I began to lack any direction in life. I wanted to do many things, but I didn't have the perseverance or conviction to follow through on anything. Sometimes I wonder why I'm never fit. Last night, a 5-bread sandwich reminded me why. I wanted to enjoy but I didn't want to work for it. Fitness, if it didn't come naturally, wasn't meant to be. And so began a long and hard journey away from a place known as limbo. I don't exactly know how I got there, but it must have began with me thinking Singaporeans are too kiasu and I didn't want to be like them. Just like that, I lost my competitive edge, and I still haven't fully recovered it.

I know that at the end of the road, no matter how hard I work, how much I think I've contributed, what I've been doing probably will mean nothing. Yet if I don't, I'll be letting down the people who've placed their hopes on me(my family) and myself. As Kenneth the Sage said not too long ago, "Be contented with what you have, only if you know that you have given your best." Have I? Far from it. I mentioned about the journey away from limbo. It hasn't ended. Now, my ambition is to break free from it, and it's about time I show some conviction and follow through with it.

After all I've said, I still feel as if this reflection of a small part of my life thus far is exceedingly shallow, as life has been rather kind to me. Looking at the troubles of the world, many people would willingly be in my position and I come across to myself as kind of a whiny person prone to bitch-fits. Up until now, this post has been words, words and words. Perhaps, words, being my best form of expression, is also my biggest problem. It leads to the lack of action. Meaning I believe I should stop typing now.

justin.

you know, maybe it's the time of your life.

2010-04-21T04:15:00.002+08:00

"One begins to die the moment he is born." - Dean Koontz

So one day I was still half asleep and my mum tells me she's going out. Nothing much about it, so I go back to sleep again, trying to continue my dream which I do not remember about. A period of time (I won't pretend I know how long, I'm trying to sleep right?) later she comes in again and says she's going to Taiwan. I am still half asleep and trying to figure out if it was the same thing slightly different. I say bye and take care and I go back to sleep, having not fully woken up.

Later in the afternoon, when I fully woke up, I decided things weren't quite right. After some asking, I found out my maternal grandfather, just had a stroke and things weren't looking rosy. Now I wouldn't pretend that I was extremely close to him, or that he was my favourite grandparent. He isn't, really. But him being the father of my mother, I'd say I was at least close to him in terms of blood relations. So I thought I'd be able to look at this subject rather objectively.

Earlier this year, a friend of my grandmother passed away. She was 94, which is, quite a ripe old age. Of course, noone would prefer their own friends to die, so naturally, my grandmother was sad, but also accepting, that her friend had passed away peacefully and was a fit old bird until she had passed. At that point in time, I also felt a little sad, as this little old lady was a frequent visitor to our house, and knowing that she'd never come anymore, well that's just a little strange. Then I was worried, about my grandmother, because she's not young anymore, and she's my favourite grandparent. My paternal grandfather passed away long before I was born, so there's less worry for me on that part. But I (selfishly) thought, what would life be, without this old lady I've known and loved for all my life? I couldn't think. Instinctively(and selfishly again), I went to my grandmothers room, woke her up, just to assure myself she was still alive. She was, and I heaved a huge sigh of relief.

Now, for my maternal grandfather, I'm afraid years of being apart and some not too great impressions of him from my family this side of the world has led to a strange distancing and therefore, less of the emotions that one would normally feel. As of today, I haven't yet witnessed the passing of a very close relative, and this grandfather, I'm afraid, could be the first. Which led to another thought.

Most of my friends are celebrating their 21st birthdays this year, like I did (not really) last year. And some of them are seeing grandparents or other relatives pass on. Logically speaking, the age at which people die is around the age the aforementioned relatives are at. So, is this really the time of your life, when you really grow up, and seeing someone close to you go, realise that it's time for your generation to step up and take over? Have you noticed how much older your dad looks? Perhaps it's the time of your life, that requires you to actually do something with it, put in the effort and work harder, if not for yourself, then for your family, to show them that you're grown up, or trying to.

justin.

a morning poem.

2010-03-26T17:09:00.000+08:00

I woke early one morning,

The earth lay cool and still,

When suddenly a tiny bird,

Perched on my window sill,

He sang a song so lovely,

So carefree and so gay,

That slowly all my troubles,

Began to slip away,

He sang of far off places,

Of laughter and of fun,

It seemed his very trilling,

Brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers,

Crept slowly out of bed,

Then gently shut the window,

And crushed his fucking head,

..... I dont like mornings!!!!!

coword.

2010-03-20T01:23:00.002+08:00

I realise after all this time, perhaps all I've been doing is hiding behind the mask that is words, hoping the words confuse, and buy me a little time outside of reality.

for whom the bell tolls.

2010-03-17T21:33:00.002+08:00

Make his fight
On the hill in the early day
Constant chill deep inside

Shouting gun,
On they run through the endless gray
On they fight, for they are right?
Yes, but who's to say?

For a hill, men would kill. Why?
They do not know
Stiffened wounds test their pride

Men of five,
Still alive through the raging glow
Gone insane from the pain that they surely know

For whom the bell tolls
Time marches on
For whom the bell tolls

Take a look to the sky
Just before you die
It's the last time you will

Blackened roar,
Massive roar, fills the crumbling sky
Shattered goal,
Fills his soul with a ruthless cry

Stranger now are his eyes to this mystery
He hears the silence so loud

Crack of dawn,
All is gone except the will to be
Now they see what will be,
Blinded eyes to see

For whom the bell tolls
Time marches on
For whom the bell tolls

fight or flight.

2010-03-17T00:15:00.002+08:00

Fight ensures you get hurt.

Flight does not ensure you escape, but when you get hurt, the damage is worse. It also ensures that the thing you are escaping from can constantly come back to haunt you.

Yet why does flight always seem to be the more attractive option?

fuck me.

2010-03-16T16:50:00.001+08:00

Exactly what it says.

pain. relief.

2010-03-14T18:43:00.000+08:00

A bit of both.